
The Ultimate List of Things I've Picked Up Along The Way
Here
good citizens, find ultra wonderful, at times high-brow Terms,
Phrases, and David Foster Wallace-isms that I "borrow" from time
to time to punch up my own brand of narcissistic yet compelling and
sincere participatory investigative journalism" OR Just plain fun
things to drop whilst at parties
"...and then kind of horrifically, everyone in the room started milling around wildly and hugging each other! It was like somebody'd thrown a switch. There wasn't even very much conversation. It was just hugging, as far as Kate could see. Rampant, indiscriminate hugging, where the point seemed to be to hug as many people as possible regardless of whether you'd ever seen them before in your life. People went from person to person, arms out and leaning in. Big people stooped and short people got up on tiptoe. Jowls ground into other jowls. Both genders hugged both genders. And the male-to-male hugs were straight embraces, hugs minus the vigorous little thumps on the back that she's always seen as somehow prerequisite for male-to-male hugs. Johnette was racking up a serious amount of hugs. Kate had her usual lipless expression of morose distaste, but even she gave and got some hugs. But Erdedy -- who'd never particularly liked hugging -- moved way back from the thong, over and up next to the AA-Conference-Approved Literature table, and stood there by himself with his hands in his pockets, pretending to study the coffee urn with great interest"
Guys come in fresh from detox still in Withdrawal with their eyes rolling like palsied cattle and an earing in their eyelid and a tattoo that says BORN TO BE UNPLEASANT -- besides the fact that his upper arms are the size of cuts of beef you rarely see off hooks
Indescribable psychic cringing
Then they all recited the Our Father, not exactly in unison. Kate later swore she distinctly heard the tattered older man beside her say 'And lead us not into Penn Station' during the Our Father"
The pleasure's too intense. No mortal can stand it
Varying degrees of denial and distress and general cluelessness. The meeting had the usual broad demographic cross-section, but the bulk of these grass-ravaged people looked to him urban and tough and busted up and dressed without any color-sense at all, people you could easily imagine smacking their kid in a supermarket or lurking with a homemade sap in the dark of a downtown alley. Motley disrespectability was like, the room norm, along with glazed eyes and excess spittle. A couple of the beginners still had the milky plastic I.D bracelets from psych wards they'd forgotten to cut off, or else hadn't yet gotten up the drive to do it
...she wouldn't
have understood anything about me...
...it was
startling to find myself locked in a windowless room with a man who
barely reached my
...she could show
me my truest self, me not paying the right kind of attention..."
"...much in the
same way that "...as i walked back to my room alone" has that
quality.
"...that bunch"
"...understanding
not only evil but the extravagance of tricks with which evil presents
itself as good.
"...Now
I lay me down to sleep, God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grandma too,
all the rest have 28 except for Summertime which has mostly 30, or
something, yes, that's it. I try to fax a cat then realize how
silly it is that I don't have the right address.
...something to
do with a seesaw"
as
if I were the victim of a practical joke.
Bird
land" is the all time most irritating icky song, like ever, all
that Manhattan transfer stuff, guys and girls, bald tenors and basses
singing all-too-merrily in sickeningly perfect harmony like they'd
all just opened an envelope containing free front row seating for the
rest of their lives to every unnecessarily produced musical
"Don't be
cruel," this, something The King said, though I imagine he was
pleading with his drugs at the time kneeling over a beaudet
Entering the garage, and lo-and-behold there are twins rummaging around. I've startled them. They perk up (in unison of course) and stare at me. They are armed with garden tools and I'm unsure at this stage of the game if they're for disembowling, bludgeoning or just equipped to do some simple garden-digging; my broken mind splicing together multiple scenarios, none of which are self-esteem boosters
Hope you never hear those words. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears
Joys that seem far too rare and the suffering that lasts way too long -- he is often in danger of losing his perspective and the reality of his own convictions
She appeared to be inflated, busting out of her brown valour tracksuit like nothing I'd ever seen; the muffin-top-mid-section spilled out all over her, narily missing the ground, shuffling along, the multi-grain flaxseed cereal and diet pills --pointless placeboes, really - inhaled hours earlier unsuitable to combat, ultimately failing, to cancel out the dozen or so glazed and lardish donut deal she devoured at breakfast that mysteriously, though convenient to her, made their way to the lunchtime hour thus no need to take a rest or break from the constant consumption of food project that had gotten underway. No one was told of the competition, it was as natural as doing the dishes. Who would transport the thousand pound lady upstairs to her ultra king size double specially-built mattress and frame, complete with crane and wire contraption to haul her in and out of the deal
"It is easy to
make a man miserable while he feels he is unworthy of himself"
Lincoln
"It's a curse
to be me, Life holds no surprises.
"My
life petering out, for lack of use, it seems. (Plath)
"Violent
maverick loner seeks..."
"Water
under the bridge I burned a long time ago.
...as
unsexy as old mump mouth Diana Krall, peel her a grape thinking thorn
rose in of her crunching down the branches of rose bushes and
makes her performance at least keep the nightmares and valium-filled
sluggish Eastern European pig-faced piano peasant purple people eat
her up, eater copies real crooners, not literally -- unfortunately.
...at the whim of
whatever hex inside me decided it was time to play with my mind...
...believed
himself to have read somewhere...
...deserves a
place in the...fucking Hall of Fame
...girls with
thick doughy wrestler arms and meaty necks, ripe for the strangling
...if any of you
out there...
...in
a temporary lapse of character
...it
affords me a chance
...joys that seem
too rare and suffering, the ones that last too long -- he is often
in danger of losing his perspective and the reality of his own
convictions
...other
undesirables
...the sky about
10 minutes before a thunderstorm hits
...this
poisonous Lollipop-land of disdain (dismay)
...with the
special lonely sound of...
I enter the
garage, and lo-and-behold there are twins rummaging around. I've
startled them. They perk up (in unison of course) and stare at me.
They are armed with garden tools and I'm unsure at this stage of
the game if they're for disembowling, bludgeoning or just equipped
to do some simple garden digging; my broken mind splicing together
multiple scenarios, none of which are self-esteem boosters.
A
A Rigor Mortis Smile
A Sad Uninspiring Diagnosis
A behavior guaranteed to get you nowhere
A certain level of displayed ineptitude
A chorus line of...
A complex defensiveness that I couldn't even begin to chart out here
A crazy drifter
A crucial demerit
A dicey undertaking
A disfigurement, far surpassing...
A donation to the Lesbian Primate Relief Fund. That would be great.
A farce, a fiasco...
A ferociously good friend
A finned monster emerging periodically from the sea
A floating flashlight matchbox (survival kit) compass, flare gun
A fountain of conversation
A further squewed interpretation of just how men and women are supposed to get along.
A good chunk of change
A gymnast of the alphabet and language, dextrous
A hostility he harboured from...
A kind of intuitive harmony
A lapful of...
A large doughy muffinish man
A limitless capacity for vibrant interpersonal relations
A maddening tangle
A mammoth sombrero
A menacing tangle of...
A merry crew
A motorcycle-and-naked-lady magazine
A movie that was actually less watchable than...
A muddled composition of self
A perfectly horrendous scent of
A persona I myself had been tinkering with
A plate of something bad
A poor substitute
A remarkable talent for...
A sad puddle of...
A score of less pleasant creatures...(characters)
A seething cauldron of infectious sulk.
A sense of urgency regarding bran
A senseless...
A simple garden variety...
A simply bitching
A sinking suspicion
A sliding scale of depravity,
A slight kittenish boy
A sloppy coily haired thing
A small Jewish boy with an unfortunate bronchial situation
A specialist in Zurich
A stark paradigm of drunkeness, astonishingly telescoped
A subject for which I am direly underqualified
A taste for mischief
A teardrop of...
A terrific drifting uncertainty.
A towering, slope-shouldered, wide-hipped, pre-maturely potbellied, oddly priapistic, and congenitally high-strung Dilaudid addict with a walrusy mustache that seemed to have a nervous life of its own
A truly unparalleled
A wealth of...
Abandoned decorum
Abandoned ideas for game shows I thought were sure fire,
Absolute in its...
Academia / machademia (schooled in nuts have never faired particularly well)
Acute confusion
Adamant
Adorable
Adore
Advantageous
Adventitiously
Adversity (face of)
Aesthetic
Affluent
Aficionado
Aflutter (all...)
Afraid of still getting sent back to summer camp
Aggressively second-rate
Agonize
Agreeing with all that my body was initiating
Ah, to be fret over by high paid Rolls Royce-driving English professor-type medical troubadours paving the way in
Aimless Stupor
Airtight (alibis)
Alarming deformities Dreamy notions
Albeit (Not "I'll be at...")
Albeit / intuit / ennui
Alcoholically articulate fashion
Alienating
All dishevelled and distraught
All kinds of time
All nonchalant
Almost always (means)
Almost always gotten on impulse, tattoos are vividly, chillingly permanent
Along the Crustacean cul-de-sac of slack and oceanic concerns...
Aloof penetration that was equally if not more disconcerting
Alternating waves of what? (Envy, self-loathing) Carousing...astrally
Always promising "muffin Day" though never quite delivering
Always sounds weirdly lopsided
Am I a bad man for disapproving (showing disapproval) to loose women who have turned me down
Ambiguous (doubtful, uncertain, susceptible to two or more meanings)
Ambivalent (simultaneously contradictory attitudes)
Amuse the pallet
An Empire of Self
An absence of affection destroys the soul...everyone needs the soul
An absolutely incongruent modification nightmare
An alligator puppeteer (ends up being more of a crocodile wrangler...not the intended position)
An attractive umbrellaless woman
An avalanche of...
An awful lot of bachelorhood to be swum through
An emptiness and desperation of existence without hope
An unbearably isolating and disfiguring personality influx
An undeniably uneven forehead that jet out in different directions, like a halfway rehabilitated (that halfway resembled)
And no matter how far you've gone down, there's always that part inside of you that knows just how far you've come
And wondering if my discomfort is my own peculiarity. I have no way of knowing.
Anguish
Animal like howls of anguished pain
Annoying
Another crushing, teeth-grinding failure
Antoine de Saint-Exupery (Franks view)
Anyone who enjoys any measure of success in his field is open to sensational publicity
Anything at the end
Apocalyptic Smorgasbord
Appendage to pop in, wearing one pyjama, he assembled himself certainly not bringing harm to anyone, only hurting his chances of meeting with the fairer sex as they knew better to stay away
Architect of my own demise
Arduous
Aroused
Artilleryesque
As about as interested in this stuff as she was about the child-as-empiricist-God-delusion horseshit back in the car
As all things, my gift for....had its price.
As fast as you can
As great an accomplishment as I can hope for
As if he would use it later in a comedy routine
As there appear, places that people just don't come back from.
Askance / Askew (towards one corner of the eye, with suspicion, not straightforward)
Assign myself
Assisduously
At its emotional zenith
At the end of her rope and preparing to hang from it.
At the end of the day...
Auspicious (meaning promise, possibility)
Authentic
Avoiding micromanaged...
Avuncular affection notwithstanding
Awakened a sickness in all of us
B
Backwards barn dwelling wack-a-doo
Bad corner you've painted yourself into
Bad form to...
Bald solid thick-wristed men
Bandit
Bank-account-emptying binges
Bare feet looking like purple loves of bread
Be that guy I want to be
Beautifully cadenced
Becoming utterly...
Bedlam
Belletristic (writings or studies of a purely literary nature, especially essays and criticisms)
Bewildered herd
Biting satire, exposing all their foibles. It doesn't seem like enough revenge
Blackest sin (living in the blackest of times)
Blinding epiphanic realization
Blindingly
Blistering
Blitz
Bludgeon
Blur
Booze-blasted face
Borderline, inappropriate behaviour
Borrowing a friend's baby didn't work, nor did taking multiple canines for walks loaned overnight to me by the Humane Society ('test pets' whom failed to integrate to my home). Now I've got it. I hold with me a leash. The leash is tied to a small cage that I drag behind me, and it's real loud. It brings questions, stares. I tell a lovely young lady about how I have misplaced my dog somewhere in the park. She helps me search, well, you get the rest. It's foolproof.
Both free-associative and intricately structured, not unlike nightmares
Bottle of vodka and a sense of impending doom lit my way into the evening
Brand of inebriated...
Brash, all gung ho
Bravado
Bronze and rust colored millipedes
Bruised world
Bruising people's kindness out of shape
Buildings are dingy and decrepit on the outside, flopped beneath the skyline like grey, discarded dishrags
Burnt Mayonnaise and Sour Tang, the scent that emulated from the cowardly and large-eared street sweeper
But I can see that's not going to happen
But on closer inspection
But this is the true story of my wasted life, to come clean, these are only insults to avenge, and injuries to nurse
But you forgave yourself. We all must. Or you die inside from that kind of a sickness that seeps into everything, no matter how you tell yourself repeatedly that it isn't going on in there
By and large...
C
Cadence
Calculated charms
Calliopsis
Callisthenics
Callous
Callousness
Camphor: a whitish substance with an aromatic taste, and smell obtained from the camphor laurel-tree
Can't stop crying
Can't swing a reincarted cat without hitting someone
Candle-lit-scripture-study sessions
Capable of idle chitchat
Captivating
Caribou
Caricature of a man
Carpet tunnel syndrome
Cart-wheeling trauma moat, empty, blind and drowning
Case in point
Cataclysmic
Cataclysmically confusing affair
Catastrophically challenged
Catastrophically unsatisfied
Catatonic
Cats will in fact get violent diarrhea if you feed them milk, contrary to the popular image of cats and milk.
Cavalier
Cerebrally constrained
Ceremonial burial ground plagued with curses and poltergeists of all shapes and colors
Certain facts just don't add up
Certain hope-type emotions
Certainly to have been a dwarf, with huge square head, the relative length of the trunk compared to the legs, the sunken nasal bridge, and protruding eyes the stunted phocomelic arms
Chancy at best
Chaperone
Charge my imagination
Charlatan
Charlie Brown Syndrome
Charmingly eccentric
Chat
Chatterbox
Chemical carcinogenic scents of fabric-softener waft into
Chicken Snuff films (or other animal is funny)
Childish concentration
Chilling counter narrative
Chivalrous
Chronically embittered
Chunks from oversized Toblerone that had been stored in the freezer
Civilization and its unhealthy influences
Claire Danes, who astonishingly, and for no discernable reason, looks too much like River Phoenix
Clammy, the mangy warthog that could! A Pre-Schoolers How To Book
Clarity
Clearly surrendered to the aging process
Cliquey alliance and exclusion and gossip can be forms of escape.
Clumsy
Clutzy
Co-conspirator
Cocooned ourselves
Comically disruptive
Compelling
Complete lack of...
Completely hateable
Completely heckelable
Completely intriguing
Complex and unsettling
Complexity
Compulsive and unhealthy relationship with their own thinking
Compulsively imaginative
Comradery
Conceptual art / breathing between words, foreign to me
Condemned
Condition, a disorder that works like a Get Out of Jail Free Card
Confessions...going unheard
Convey a moral truth: a myth
Convincing manner
Cool Hand Luke (I am Luke-Warm Luke)
Cool side of the pillow
Cornucopia
Corrupted
Could this possibly be any worse?
Courteous, unfledgingly, unfailingly
Cracked and bleeding jaw
Cradle of charm
Cradles my broken heart and broken mind...
Cranky
Creating general interest
Creatures undressing
Creed
Creepy wiriness (exhibited)
Criminal enlightenment
Crippling lack of...
Crippling sense of passionate heat
Crisis (of faith...fates)
Crossing guard, invented an electric pointer, my style was deemed too progressive for the field.
Crossing guards are funny, but seemingly tragically doomed dark figures
Crucial
Cruel
Crusader
Culturally Marginalized Guilds
Cunning malice amidst a buzz of intrigue
Cunning/Crafty Baffled and Powerless
D
Dairy fed-fat asses
Damp fizz of tears
Dare say I
Dark, ominous tragic figure, lurking/looming amongst the debris in doorways
Daunting
Dazzling
Deafening
Decaying values
Decent back into the hell of chemical dependence
Decided to tell her of my incurable illness
Declining popularity
Deep blue satiny spaces
Deeply deranged
Defining the Textures of a cognitive dissonance so loud, that the Western World is partly deaf to it.
Defrocked lunacy
Delicate
Delusional
Demonic Blitzkrieg of venomous, primal laborious pain
Derailed emotionally
Designer eatery
Desire
Desperately bad shape
Destroying
Deteriorate
Devastated
Devilishly Witty (Deliciously)
Devoted solely
Diabolical
Did I miss a meeting?
Didn't make much sense to me
Didn't work out terribly well for her
Diminished
Dingbats
Directed my way is horror
Disconcerting moment
Discouraging
Disenchantment factor is way up there
Disgrace
Disingenuous
Disintegration
Displays of public self-scrutiny that are as excruciating as they are irresistible, and, there are huge and insectile-looking pieces of machinery that...
Distaste for...
Distinct
Disturbing enough to make me...
Dizzying stagger of an isolationist
Do they still make wooden Christmas trees? He had pantophobia...the fear of everything...(I'm pretty sure)
Doddering old...
Does this make any sense to you?
Dogmatic
Dogs that stare at you inquisitively like they want to tell you something, but they can't believe how idiotic you are that you can't understand their language
Dogs who roam the streets have been subtly turning into coyotes
Domestic strife
Don't ask me why
Don't bother
Don't get me wrong
Don't let's not end up like that...
Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it? I guess she did not
Doomed
Dose of maudlin prose
Dossier of connection and privilege
Down for the big dirt nap, as felony Phil used to say
Downcast
Drab hair and thin lips
Drawn to real grimy stuff
Drawn-out Getting-to-Know-and-Trust-You montage
Dreadful land of lifelong supressions
Dreadful mess
Dreadfully transparently unfunny
Dreadfully wrong
Drive someone right out of their mind with excitement
Drivel
Dumpty-shaped tightwad
E
Earthly orchestration
Easily led
Economically marginalized
Ectomorphic
Editorial justice
Editorial leverage
Edna Malais
Effortlessly
Elaborately unrewarding
Elegant Tea Time debacle pushed me right to the very edge of ship-jumping.
Ellipses
Embarrassing grandiosity, I would later long to downplay
Emblazoned
Emotional hostage taking
Emphysematic-like-wheezing
Empty threat
Enamored
Ending up exhausting the reader before he even gets to...
Endless (seemingly)
Endless symptomatic gauntlet of Withdrawal
Endomorphic
Endured
Enigma
Enigmatic
Ensconced
Enthusiam melting into politeness
Entirely appealing
Entirely empathetic
Entirely endearing
Entirely unique
Entourage
Enveloped and dwarfed by bigger things I didn't understand
Enwreaths me
Epic battle
Epidemic (this) a result of too much of that anyway
Equally distressing were the...
Escargot mustache
Espionage
Essence
Even that required great effort
Events now running past and over me, and having less and less to say about how unclean the proceedings were getting
Ever-lurking ill will
Everyone's too stupid
Everything is breakable.
Evidently supposed to conclude
Evoked electric spontaneity
Evolve
Excessive
Excruciatingly
Excuse me a second...
F
Failing horribly
Fallen into ruin
Familiar guilt of journalistic cannibalism, ashamed of my jaundiced scrutiny
Fantastic
Far from the fluid powerful dance of our younger days
Fashion Outlaw
Fate clouds
Feasible: capable of being done, suitable
Feast (Faustian)
Feasting in that intangible, indefinable delicious morsel
Feeble-minded
Fell in with a group of...
Females are capable of being just as vulgar about sexual and eliminatory functions as males.
Femme fatales
Fervent (glowing, ardent, zealous)
Fireman, fighting fire with fire, only made things worse, my conceptual and innovative ideas banished from the fire hall
Fit like a charm
Fleeting
Flents industrial-strength expandable foam earplugs do not solve the problem of a snoring roommate if the roommate in question is so huge and adenoidal that the snores in question also produce subsonic vibrations that arpeggio up and down your body and make your bunk jiggle like a motel bed you've put a quarter in
Flirt with commerce, often she backed away and deserted me, most often when I told her I needed her most
Flotation device
Flounder
For every one thing that's all right and that has some good in it, there are about 10 things that are unfair, unjust and draining.
For one reason or another...
Forever compromised
Forget E.T, the Extra Terrestrial, I am 'The Main-Lining Terrestrial' under the stairs where the Wicker People live...
Fragmented self
Frankly
Frantic justifications
Free form discussion
Free-Associative Methamphetaminic
Fresh griefs
Freshly-shampooed
Fret not
Freud says work gives the illusion of meaning
Friends who had expressed no previous interest in torture began sending me . . .
Friends would hire me, I would often get a sale, though this breakthrough more than quickly cancelled out any profit my poor overly trusting friends might have brought in. I decided her prices were just too high. Also, unhelpful was my blaring of "Sign of the Gypsy Queen", not well-received by possible purchasing patrons who'd pop in, eager to peruse my friend's fashion wares, most left almost immediately with a face resembling shattered glass, and not in a good way
Frightfully alone, unable to find the one that gets it?
Frigid
Friskies
Frisky
Frolicking
Frothy hubris of...
Fugue state (a)
Full-on, head-on
Fumbling
Fundamentally solitary
Funnily enough
Fussy
Futzing around
G
Gamine charm (a girl with mischievous or boyish charm...a girl street urchin)
Garland of Sonnets
Gaze
Geologic amounts of sober time in AA
Gesture
Giant
Gifted
Gimmicky
Given the tensions of the world, I was in a safe place.
Gloria Swanson Syndrome (You'd know what it was if you had it)
Glorious
Gnome-ware
Go missing entirely
God might regard the issue of whether you believe there's a God or not as fairly low on his/her/its list of things s/he/it's interested in re you.
Gorgeous
Gouge
Govern our day-to-day lives
Graciously
Grandiose parables
Great balloon of coloured silence he sat in
Greatness and largeness of life can bring me to cry almost instantly, it's scarily rare
Greed (Crazed with...)
Grew weary
Grizzly aftermath...I know is on the horizon even before I wake...
Grotesqueness
Grotesquerie
Grumpy
H
Had a weakness for...
Haiku of Hell: The prickly prickly snowmen of September melting in my make believe attic. Pelts pelts pelts
Hair that looks carved out of feldspar
Half out of your wits
Half-baked hope
Half-delirious from rejection and frantic desperation from less than citrusy lemonade
Handshake Concerns "What's Really Going On There With That Handshake Mister?"
Handsome
Hapless hikers
Harboured an unconscious distrust of love
Harbouring thoughts of...
Harebrained schemes
Hastily thrown together sock puppet
Have only the vaguest idea of which...
Having a lot of money does not immunize people from suffering or fear
He also sometimes seemed to suffer from the verbal delusion that he was an urban black male; I have no idea what the story is on this or what conclusions to draw from it.
He got weird. Nobody knows why.
He needed cheering up. All grown-ups were once children.
He needs unwinding in the very worst way
He settles for imagining the girl pin wheeling through the air towards a glass wall
He writes big blockbuster sentences, admired as much forlinguistic pyrotechnics and syntactical fanciness
He's acting up again
Head on home
Head-clutchingly prolix and involved
Heady Scent
Heartless bourgeois to say so
Heavy burlap sacks
Hemorrhoid-hostile folding chairs
Hence, a poor judge
Her breasts (forehead, lips thin enough) to appear freakish
Her sizable horse like mouth working arduously on a piece of gum
Her soul's already knotted over
Heroically
Hideous glamour pusses.
Hideously mangled dolls
High-watt smile
His enthusiasm bordering on mania
His favorite witticism
His mother and the KKK stalked him one night and sent him running aflame into the forest because of his recently acquired, clearly offensive, frightening style to all unions haircut, supplied by the local Haircuts for Men. (Provided by students of a local college). This is where his troubles began.
His style so nails the tenor of the American sensibility
His tenure as my friend
Hit me with sinus clearing clarity
Hodge Podge of wisdom and nonsense,
Hopeless dunce
Hopes that never materialized
Hornswoggled
Horrendous
Horrifically
Horror show
Human Snafu (another)
Hyper realism
Hysterically Passionate
I
I am defined by my relationship to the world
I am not a criminal but I can find criminality, settle there and lay pretty much undisturbed
I am powerless to describe...
I am so far from my dream (!)
I am suggestible
I apologized promptly without, of course, realizing just what I was sorry for
I can be a handful, to put it mildly
I cannot help but picture
I could not help but experience a strange fusion of the dispassionate journalist, the lover, the father...
I could perambulate unpestered, unthronged
I dared to ask the question...
I didn't want to play anymore is all
I do not know why he's called...
I do not like...but it is there where my story starts...
I don't take well being told what to do. Fundamentally oppositional in nature
I don't think it's an accident that...
I drove through the night, with my shock and grief in the backseat, and my guilt in the front
I entertained thoughts
I envisioned...
I feel ashamed now that I tried to take my own life. It is such a precious thing. I had no one to talk me out of my despair, not really.and that was a mistake. You need to keep people close. You need to give them access to your heart
I feel my lips clamp together with the strangeness of life
I feel the noose of this town tighten around my throat. I was wondering if there was any sort of special program prayer for one who wanted to hang themselves
I get myself mixed up with other people all the time, for instance.
I had never felt entitled
I hate Malaria
I hate mankind, I despise woman-kind, which doesn't leave me much to go on.
I have a few rules; no girls with Marsupial pouches or meaty necks, or if their best trait is, 'not too thick a back' then I should pass
I have absolutely no fucking idea what's going on...shouldn't get my trembling over-caffeinated hands anywhere near...
I have made discoveries
I have mixed feelings of the day.
I have no business resting on my laurels...mine are stacked away someplace
I imagined as both frenetic and weary, with a kind of doomed timeless Faulknerian feel to it
I knew of several; there had to be more
I knew perfectly well
I long to write a piece of literature I stand behind and don't need to give excuses for
I myself, as you can see from this whole insane tirade of prose called a book, had been thru so much junk anyway you can hardly blame me for joining in with the despairists of my time
I need to believe something extraordinary is possible
I never did get straight...
I nodded my head having no idea what he was talking about
I once would have liked to think of myself as a visionary. Now the best I can hope for seems to be dillusionary.
I posit, and argue, then make the suggestion that...
I prefer to be turned on by a woman who invariably looks fucked up
I seem now to be at...
I should really get down to checking on my mom who by now I'm guessing has been sitting in the back seat of the car for what must be going on two days. She must need either changing or at very least a good meal. My project with the rings in the bathtub, and how they relate with Saturn's rings, now takes precedence and has truly taken on a life of its own
I stammered...
I stopped believing in God the day my dad died
I subvocalized
I suffer from an inability to organize myself
I suppose it was rather telling that...
I take issue with...
I thought about, talked about and needed love very much but whenever I got it, it touched me less and less
I thought of how I really didn't understand myself very well at all, and to think otherwise would have been embarrassing
I took her back to the street and I drove around the next couple hours trying to talk myself out of driving full speed into a tree.
I was so lost in thought, as I rounded the corner I barreled right into a...
I wasn't going down without a fight, and I was going down
I would come to grow immeasurably fond of her, even sometimes wishing we could talk about something other than me
I'd be lying if I knew the way past the muddled maze that I've made out of me, let alone who is in the toll booth...
I'd like to offer an abstract concept, something called breathing in-between sentences
I'd like to think I was toughened by the experience, but in retrospect I think it did nothing more than give me a taste for more mischief...
I'd run to the ends of the earth to get my drugs
I'm fairly confidant that...
I'm getting desensitized to myself: maybe that's what happens over the years
I'm in kind of escrow at the moment
I'm smart because I know that Evelyn Waugh is not a woman. Yes, I'm a literary great, in that round Algonquin circle little table area. (Really a cub scout in a circle formation)
I'm talking about guys who've developed (and clearly practiced) really hard handshakes, like really hard, the ones that look you straight in the eye (if you can't avoid it) and while shaking your hand hard enough to arouse the pain from that weirdo fracture in your right hand somewhere near the third knuckle, that you never could figure out how the hell you even got, which hasn't really come up since grade 9 class, but now, which pain is drilling your every core. Their little tryst, to me, says, "This here handshake says I'm not gay. My outstretched hand says I am a gigantic hulking man that has not only been camping in overnight situations with other men, but have killed pretty and cuddly four legged forest creatures who weren't bugging me in the first place. Now, don't even think I'm homophobic. I'm not. Not really. Whatever that word means. I like everyone. Mostly. So remember me with this hard as hell handshake.
I've been experimenting with a little thing called irony
I've made notes, at the properly aligned star module times. anyway, since mom has been 'away', now i've the time to focus on such tasks as keeping fervant notes on just how i, if leaving the tub unatteded, scrubbing-after-wise, I can recreate with blistering creative will and staggering astronomical ability the exact same lines that orbit around Saturn so wondrously. Who could deny me such an endeavour?
I've overdosed at my father's grave, and all my notes and stories are beside me with a note to him...
If it came down to it...
If you let this memory go for but one instant it wanders off and joins its friends, and before you know it you're chasing their phantom trails in so many directions that you weave a family tapestry, a heritage quilt of memory! Who needs that?
Ignoramus
Illicit
Illusions
Illustrious
Imagine that
Imbecile
Immaculately
Immeasurably
Immediacy
Impenetrable
Impenetrable
Imperiously lame
Implants of sorts
Impoverished
Impunity
Impure thoughts
In a jiffy
In a way I don't much like
In a world of unlimited possibilities...
In a temporary lapse of character
In an epileptic frenzy...
In his father's glass eye
In one of my many famous moments spent wondering if I was going to be alone for the rest of my life
In some strange country between dream and waking
In the vague way...
In the world of pretence, a pretender is the best thing that you can be
Inadequacy
Inattentive
Incompetent
Incomprehensible
Incredibly good
Incredibly misguided
Indifference at times
Inert (without power of action or movement/motion)
Inexhaustible source
Infinite strength
Insidious (treacherous/crafty)
Insipid (lacking flavour, vigour, interest)
Inspiration
Inspires dread
Instincts
Insurmountable
Integrity/Integral
Intensely puzzling
Internal out-of-control slope of ferocity
Interspersed
Intolerable conflict and anxiety
Intolerable terrifying recreation of intolerable pain
Intricacies
Intrinsically
Intuition
Irony-free zone
Irreverence (disrespectful)
Irritatingly well-adjusted, irksome individuals waiting to do you a good turn, pointless overly helpful do-gooders who can't wait to...
It is easy to make a man miserable while he feels he is unworthy of himself
It's a curse to be me, Life holds no suprises
It became clear to me
It emptied me of hope
It had long since being a release of relief or fun
It takers great personal courage to let yourself appear weak
It was all just killing time till the sun went out
It was the jumbo shrimp and stuffed mushrooms that circulated with trays of sobbing failed-actor-waiters loudly sharing their uninformed opinions with anyone, food animal or human, within earshot
It's hard not to imagine...
It's most likely (more than likely best) I'm filled with regret. I hate regret. Wish things could have turned out differently. I'm more out of my head then I realize on that stuff.
It's never too late for a man to turn his life around
It's on its side spasming
It's well executed, but the variety of fabulism in which the fantastic is juxtaposed with the pedestrian has become common of late.
Jeopardize
Joie De Vivre
Joyless
Juggernaut (of fragrance)
Jumpsuit
Jungle of clouds
Just ridiculously good-looking
karma sutra yoga skills worthy of the freakiest third world circus parading enslaved child contortionists sucking their own toes for comfort...
Kaopectate-coloured
Kiddies cornering themselves
L
Lacuna (missing portion, blank or gap)
Ladies with plastic shoes are undeniably sad
Lame brains
Landscape of the grotesque
Languid (lacking force, faint weak, little motion)
Largess...A generous gift, a donation...
Last-gasp, back-from-the-dead effort
Laughably false
Leaps to intercept me
Least desirable
Lengthy and involved
Less speculation the better
Let them roast marshmallows over my corpse! I plug in a fake fireplace that would not roar, though the idea of warmth would be there
Let us draw the curtain of charity over the rest of that particular bit of
Libation
Lights flickered through us, red, amber and green as we lay in awe on her backyard grass in total blackness, we went by our own signs
Like most everything in my life, it was not what I had hoped for
Like that first taste of astonished kissing, playful dancing lips, moist and saying yes
Limitless
Linty pyjamas
Littered with...
Little by little
Lodged in their heads
Loitering, wandering in paper smock, shoes as durable as shoe shaped coffee filters
Long in the tooth
Long slithering ribbon of drool cascading from her pouty lips, slithering down her taut neck
Long stretches of gloom and melancholy, followed by extravagant bursts of...
Looked as if I was having a real whirl
Looks uncannily like the actor...
Loquacious (talkative, bordering on babbling...talkativeness)
Lost the ability to lie to myself about being able to quit, or even about enjoying it, still. Having the strength that is, if in fact, that's what it is a matter of.
Lounge-hags
Lousy with it
Loyalty
Luck is just that: Dumb
Ludicrous
Lunatic
Lurid series of spots for a national string of walk-in liposuction clinics
Lush
Lusty fancy
Luxuriously Delectable Palette
Lying there, languid by the pool.
M
Mad and bespectled egghead sociologists
Maddening tangle
Made up in candor what it lacked in...
Make a spectacle of myself
Maladroit
Malarkey
Malice
Malicious innuendo
Mamet-ian (From Der Processe)
Mammoth-sized
Managed Fun
Maniacal discipline
Manifesto
Many places in my life instantly (it seemed) had manifested into equally dark places of despair and lamentation, going back and forth
Marble-headed fraud
Marked by struggle and sadness (her face)
Marmoset
Marvelled
Masquerade
Massive inflated afflictions
Massive waste
Materializes
Mausolea (plural of mausoleum)
Maybe you're onto something
Me, left particularily, friendless, as well as underwearless.
Me, the ungodly horse carriage for hire...
Meanwhile back at the castle . . .
Meet me in Montauk at midnight.
Melliferous (flowing sweetly or smoothly)
Melting-pot mélange on the order of like a Benetton commercial
Mementos
Menstrual gazebo
Mental anguish of a Minstrel Show
Mentally bent out of shape
Merrily chirping
Merriment
Methamphetaminic speed
Milieu
Milling about slugishly in the lobby
Millipede sandwich
Mind-boggling efficiency
Mindblowing flair
Mindless entertainment
Miners are not allowed in certain bars...who should tell such lardish laborours where and when they can eat drink an smoke
Minor triumph
Minstrels of madness
Mirage of horrific beauty was meticulously
Miscalculated
Miserable
Misled
Modus Operandi
Mom knowing when I was screwing up, as too many William Burroughs books started showing up laying in different rooms in the house and doors that were often ajar or left open entirely, casually, suddenly were shut. She knew.
Momentarily
Monumentally intolerable, which sounded to me, no less than grand and large
Monumentally unfulfilled
Moral Ruin
Morass (something that traps confuses or impedes)
Morbidity
More and more, these things seemed to mean less and less
More spooky than I could have imagined.
Moreover
Morose
Mortified
Mortifying
Mosaics
Most Substance-Addicted people are also addicted to thinking, meaning they have a compulsive and unhealthy relationship with their own thinking
Most of us live the greater part of our life submerged...
Most often, allowing my mind to explore such themes as "what to do" "what might someone like me do now? Etc. etc.
Movements swift and certain
Much in the same way that "...as i walked back to my room alone..." has that quality
Much the way a mental patient doesn't think anything is wrong with them, at the same time, while they are telling you this, simultaneously dumping/pouring a bowl of grouse stew over their head
Murderous
My alarming curvature of the distorted perplexive sense of self
My dreams, unsatisfied fancies, hopes, memories and imaginations have accumulated nothing but inexhaustible complicated unmet needs.
My drug use was the convenient culprit, the real problem was not that but my attention dial left spun (spinning) on the setting of 'deficit disorder'...cycle and general contempt (by this time) for the world and its unbalanced equinox.
My emotional repertoire
My forehead bulging with concentration
My gait - a manner of walking, forward motion manner
My hectic hustle in the already too scorching a day oriented toward a brief moment of transcendence
My inability to be self-sufficient
My leg falls asleep; at least part of my body is getting rest
My mind's eye...
My mood would seesaw from joy to rage
My one misgiving
My plan took shape...
My saga was stale
My teeth and mind weathered, yellowed by the years
My trousseau of unrequited dreams.
N
Nativity scenes...un-natural nonsense...that irksome business
Naturally, I disliked this
Nauseating
Nearly-insanity-producing
Needle-jockey
Needless to say
Neglected
Neil Diamond once heartily sang, "Home's the most excellent place of all", alas, this was barked desperately from the fifth floor of a Betty Ford Detox...not that that should cancel out entirely the heartfelt sentiment, I'm just saying
Neoteric (modern)
Nerve-racking
Nest of Irony, my pretty bird friends wouldn't let me hang out in...stupid crows
Never been a fan of...
Never pleasant for me
Never use "the familiar" with the policemen
Nightmare either way
No doubt
No great fan
No longer does he drive off into the night with other people's merchandise
No mood to be fucked with
No more living on 'Planet I don't know'. I want to eject myself from that deathly dumb planet, the air, too toxic for the worst of my mind
Nobody with a nervous system would want to miss...
Nomadic
Not everyone gets corrupted, you have to have a little faith in people
Not exactly the brightest bulb in the ship's intellectual chandelier
Not his first stop on the 'drop the soap express to bottom exploitation'
Not his first stop on the 'drop the soap express to bottom exploration'
Not so in the...
Not that you'd want to imagine any of this
Note: If I ever have any daughters, name them all Connie.
Notoriety
Notoriously fond of
Novelty beverage
Nowhere to go
Nuances
Nuisance
Numbingly
Numbnutses
O
OK, let's not spend a lot of time drawing this whole incident out.
Obese
Oblique
Obscene
Obscenely Vital
Occult adults
Occupying emotional terrain
Odyssey
Oeuvre
Old-timers disease
On an epic scale
Only the whitest, most highly processed, severely modified versions of cleansed and sanitized "ingredients".
Orgiastic banquet of immortality and joy
Ostensibly
Ought to have told me
Our troubles began the following morning...
Out of her tree
Out of my head
Outrageous
Outskirts of time (town), wrong side of the tracks
Outstanding in that capacity
Over ripening in anticipation
Over sensitivity
Over the top merriment from counter help makes me want to be a terrorist.
Overweening...arrogant, presumptuous, exaggerated
P
Painfully absurd in the tuxedo-motif T-shirt I wore on the first formal night
Palace
Pampering
Pancake Batter from a bucket
Pancake breakfast...some sort of extreme marshmallowish-caramel delight englazened with lime green food colouring, looking as if it was just glued together with cookie dough by some margarine-glazed gals back in the kitchen troughs. A skeletal Walter Mathieu comes over and hands me his teeth and says he's proud of "How accessible they are"
Panhandling tweakers
Papoose
Parable
Paradigm
Paralyzing fear
Parameters
Parasitically alone
Parody
Part of the problem was that according to several reliable sources...
Particularly hairy
Particularly seductive
Particularly unpleasant
Parties who thought I was the main attraction at some people petting zoo.
Pastiche
Patchy
Pathological (indifference at times)
Patriotic chizzler
Peculiar sense of self-preservation
Peed upon
Pelvically anfractuous
People didn't like what they were doing and didn't seem to have any idea about what they should do next
People dying around me, seemingly gladly, so that I make what still contribution I still had in my half right mind still brewing beneath some of the surface stuff
People named Van or Lou
People who have 3 or more uncoverable black teardrops descending from the corner of one eye, from, say a night of mescaline and adrenalized grief, will forevermore, from a couple meters away, appear as though they have flies on them.
People who listen to too much Bruce Hornsby are more often than not, a fairly damaged lot.
Perfect sense
Perfectly acceptable
Performers and portrayers
Perhaps you're curious as to...
Perilous times
Perimeter
Permeate
Perpetually
Perplexed
Persecuted minority
Persnickety marble-mouthed-moops, coots that drained every drop of quenched vitality I managed to muster
Petting a budgie, I'm a budgie, you're a budgie, I'm a...
Petty consolations for the poor of heart and mind
Phenomenally-talented
Phonetic perspective
Phonologically misshapen
Pique your curiosity
Placated (readily appeased or pacified, willing to forgive)
Plausible
Playing endless variations...
Pleasure seeker
Plenty of time
Plight; A state or condition of the distressing kind; predicament
Plum-jacketed sommeliers
Plump
Plush
Polymorphously insensitive
Poorly chosen
Pornography...organs going in and out of other organs, emotionless, terribly lonely...an impoverished, lonely idea of sexuality
Porridge
Positively animated
Positively monsterly
Possessed of a bawdy sense of
Possessing a delicate ambiguity
Possible to miss the point anymore (Is it?)
Post-Buddhist Nietzschean in dreadlocks, and myself the robust and towering the amphetamine-polemicist, pounding out these erratic rhythms of will and production
Potentially disastrous
Potion
Pouring peppermint tea
Poverty of thinking...
Praying mantis
Precious
Precipitous
Predictable polemics-controversial discussion
Predisposed
Prepossessing
Preposterous
Prestigious
Presumably
Preventative dentistry: people you hire to protect you against these smock-wearing glamour pusses. Not my full point, though, my point is where to find them, to hire them
Prickly structureless
Prim Rubbernecks
Proceeding to sit down, take a deep breath and resume combing his tongue
Prodigious
Proffering
Profoundly terrifying
Profoundly unbiblical sex
Prolix, (bullocks I say to such...)
Prolixity (long winded, tedious)
Promise of comedy
Prone to staggering brilliance
Prop Master of hope
Proportionately
Proved challenging
Pseudo-bohemian
Psycho central
Psychological vandalism
Pulverizing hangover
Punished
Puttering through the vestibule with her walker
Q
Quantum Physics
Quaranteened puppies
Quick to pinpoint
Quite simply you are...
R
Racy nurse-wear catalogue
Radically different
Radically different ideas of basic personal hygiene
Raggedy
Raging failure
Ran out of cerebral steam
Random lottery of meaningless tragedies and narrow escapes
Rank inability
Rapacious
Rather like that...
Raving psychotic.
Realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know
Re-emergence
Really what I've gained is a forum to speak some freedom of expression and maybe you've come to learn something about yourself today
Recalling with a modicum of bittersweet nostalgia how...
Recovery-speak
Reeling
Refinement
Refreshing as some fucking intramural flag football with really tall people (people that are more than a tad bit taller than you) 10 of them
Refreshingly candid, yet admittedly less traditional
Regime
Regrets that make painful memories
Relentless
Reluctant to...
Remarkably dreary
Remarkably unethical
Removing the textural fourth wall
Remy Martin is a subtle yet well defined champagne cognac produced in France; it is not a card game played by crusty seniors in Montreal
Rendered inconsolable
Renegade
Renegade savage fowl that tormented me with ballistic squealing...
Repartee
Repugnant and spiraling hooded figure looming, seriously deformed
Repulsive
Restless wanderer
Restored (she had restored me to caring)
Retreat from deviance and anything you know to be underhanded activity.
Retreat to the cottage, from time to time wandering, syringe in hand, the happy squalls of old talk radio tapes bla |