The Ultimate List of Things I've Picked Up Along The Way
Kill people who say Awesome repeatedly in conversation. This shows that particular human who stands before you has their brain turned off. Walk slowly away without sudden movements and leave them to their own future.
Here
good citizens, find ultra wonderful, at times high-brow Terms,
Phrases, and David Foster Wallace-isms that I "borrow" from time
to time to punch up my own brand of narcissistic yet compelling and
sincere participatory investigative journalism" OR Just plain fun
things to drop whilst at parties
"...and then kind of horrifically, everyone in the room started milling around wildly and hugging each other! It was like somebody'd thrown a switch. There wasn't even very much conversation. It was just hugging, as far as Kate could see. Rampant, indiscriminate hugging, where the point seemed to be to hug as many people as possible regardless of whether you'd ever seen them before in your life. People went from person to person, arms out and leaning in. Big people stooped and short people got up on tiptoe. Jowls ground into other jowls. Both genders hugged both genders. And the male-to-male hugs were straight embraces, hugs minus the vigorous little thumps on the back that she's always seen as somehow prerequisite for male-to-male hugs. Johnette was racking up a serious amount of hugs. Kate had her usual lipless expression of morose distaste, but even she gave and got some hugs. But Erdedy -- who'd never particularly liked hugging -- moved way back from the thong, over and up next to the AA-Conference-Approved Literature table, and stood there by himself with his hands in his pockets, pretending to study the coffee urn with great interest"
Guys come in fresh from detox still in Withdrawal with their eyes rolling like palsied cattle and an earing in their eyelid and a tattoo that says BORN TO BE UNPLEASANT -- besides the fact that his upper arms are the size of cuts of beef you rarely see off hooks
Indescribable psychic cringing
Then they all recited the Our Father, not exactly in unison. Kate later swore she distinctly heard the tattered older man beside her say 'And lead us not into Penn Station' during the Our Father"
The pleasure's too intense. No mortal can stand it
Varying degrees of denial and distress and general cluelessness. The meeting had the usual broad demographic cross-section, but the bulk of these grass-ravaged people looked to him urban and tough and busted up and dressed without any color-sense at all, people you could easily imagine smacking their kid in a supermarket or lurking with a homemade sap in the dark of a downtown alley. Motley disrespectability was like, the room norm, along with glazed eyes and excess spittle. A couple of the beginners still had the milky plastic I.D bracelets from psych wards they'd forgotten to cut off, or else hadn't yet gotten up the drive to do it
...she wouldn't
have understood anything about me...
...it was
startling to find myself locked in a windowless room with a man who
barely reached my
...she could show
me my truest self, me not paying the right kind of attention..."
"...much in the
same way that "...as i walked back to my room alone" has that
quality.
"...that bunch"
"...understanding
not only evil but the extravagance of tricks with which evil presents
itself as good.
"...Now
I lay me down to sleep, God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grandma too,
all the rest have 28 except for Summertime which has mostly 30, or
something, yes, that's it. I try to fax a cat then realize how
silly it is that I don't have the right address.
...something to
do with a seesaw"
as
if I were the victim of a practical joke.
Bird
land" is the all time most irritating icky song, like ever, all
that Manhattan transfer stuff, guys and girls, bald tenors and basses
singing all-too-merrily in sickeningly perfect harmony like they'd
all just opened an envelope containing free front row seating for the
rest of their lives to every unnecessarily produced musical
"Don't be
cruel," this, something The King said, though I imagine he was
pleading with his drugs at the time kneeling over a beaudet
Entering the garage, and lo-and-behold there are twins rummaging around. I've startled them. They perk up (in unison of course) and stare at me. They are armed with garden tools and I'm unsure at this stage of the game if they're for disembowling, bludgeoning or just equipped to do some simple garden-digging; my broken mind splicing together multiple scenarios, none of which are self-esteem boosters
Hope you never hear those words. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears
Joys that seem far too rare and the suffering that lasts way too long -- he is often in danger of losing his perspective and the reality of his own convictions
She appeared to be inflated, busting out of her brown valour tracksuit like nothing I'd ever seen; the muffin-top-mid-section spilled out all over her, narily missing the ground, shuffling along, the multi-grain flaxseed cereal and diet pills --pointless placeboes, really - inhaled hours earlier unsuitable to combat, ultimately failing, to cancel out the dozen or so glazed and lardish donut deal she devoured at breakfast that mysteriously, though convenient to her, made their way to the lunchtime hour thus no need to take a rest or break from the constant consumption of food project that had gotten underway. No one was told of the competition, it was as natural as doing the dishes. Who would transport the thousand pound lady upstairs to her ultra king size double specially-built mattress and frame, complete with crane and wire contraption to haul her in and out of the deal
"It is easy to
make a man miserable while he feels he is unworthy of himself"
Lincoln
"It's a curse
to be me, Life holds no surprises.
"My
life petering out, for lack of use, it seems. (Plath)
"Violent
maverick loner seeks..."
"Water
under the bridge I burned a long time ago.
...as
unsexy as old mump mouth Diana Krall, peel her a grape thinking thorn
rose in of her crunching down the branches of rose bushes and
makes her performance at least keep the nightmares and valium-filled
sluggish Eastern European pig-faced piano peasant purple people eat
her up, eater copies real crooners, not literally -- unfortunately.
...at the whim of
whatever hex inside me decided it was time to play with my mind...
...believed
himself to have read somewhere...
...deserves a
place in the...fucking Hall of Fame
...girls with
thick doughy wrestler arms and meaty necks, ripe for the strangling
...if any of you
out there...
...in
a temporary lapse of character
...it
affords me a chance
...joys that seem
too rare and suffering, the ones that last too long -- he is often
in danger of losing his perspective and the reality of his own
convictions
...other
undesirables
...the sky about
10 minutes before a thunderstorm hits
...this
poisonous Lollipop-land of disdain (dismay)
...with the
special lonely sound of...
I enter the
garage, and lo-and-behold there are twins rummaging around. I've
startled them. They perk up (in unison of course) and stare at me.
They are armed with garden tools and I'm unsure at this stage of
the game if they're for disembowling, bludgeoning or just equipped
to do some simple garden digging; my broken mind splicing together
multiple scenarios, none of which are self-esteem boosters.
A
A certain Jungian Duality
All Wyndam Hill-like
Amongst the flotsam and jetsam that fill the bars
A Rigor Mortis Smile
A Sad Uninspiring Diagnosis
A behavior guaranteed to get you nowhere
A certain level of displayed ineptitude
A chorus line of...
A complex defensiveness that I couldn't even begin to chart out here
A crazy drifter
A crucial demerit
A dicey undertaking
A disfigurement, far surpassing...
A donation to the Lesbian Primate Relief Fund. That would be great.
A farce, a fiasco...
A ferociously good friend
A finned monster emerging periodically from the sea
A floating flashlight matchbox (survival kit) compass, flare gun
A fountain of conversation
A further squewed interpretation of just how men and women are supposed to get along.
A good chunk of change
Agonizing
A gymnast of the alphabet and language, dextrous
A hostility he harboured from...
A kind of intuitive harmony
A lapful of...
A large doughy muffinish man
A limitless capacity for vibrant interpersonal relations
A maddening tangle
A mammoth sombrero
A menacing tangle of...
A merry crew
Amongst the flotsam and jetsam that fill the bars
A motorcycle-and-naked-lady magazine
A movie that was actually less watchable than...
A muddled composition of self
A perfectly horrendous scent of
A persona I myself had been tinkering with
A plate of something bad
A poor substitute
A remarkable talent for...
A sad puddle of...
A score of less pleasant creatures...(characters)
A seething cauldron of infectious sulk.
A sense of urgency regarding bran
A senseless...
A simple garden variety...
A simply bitching
A sinking suspicion
A sliding scale of depravity,
A slight kittenish boy
A sloppy coily haired thing
A small Jewish boy with an unfortunate bronchial situation
A specialist in Zurich
A stark paradigm of drunkeness, astonishingly telescoped
A subject for which I am direly underqualified
A taste for mischief
A teardrop of...
A terrific drifting uncertainty.
A towering, slope-shouldered, wide-hipped, pre-maturely potbellied, oddly priapistic, and congenitally high-strung Dilaudid addict with a walrusy mustache that seemed to have a nervous life of its own
A truly unparalleled
A wealth of...
Abandoned decorum
Abandoned ideas for game shows I thought were sure fire,
Absolute in its...
Academia / machademia (schooled in nuts have never faired particularly well)
Acute confusion
Adamant
Adorable
Adore
Advantageous
Adventitiously
Adversity (face of)
Aesthetic
Affluent
Aficionado
Aflutter (all...)
Afraid of still getting sent back to summer camp
Aggressively second-rate
Agonize
Agreeing with all that my body was initiating
Ah, to be fret over by high paid Rolls Royce-driving English professor-type medical troubadours paving the way in
Aimless Stupor
Airtight (alibis)
Alarming deformities Dreamy notions
Albeit (Not "I'll be at...")
Albeit / intuit / ennui
Alcoholically articulate fashion
Alienating
All dishevelled and distraught
All kinds of time
All nonchalant
Almost always (means)
Almost always gotten on impulse, tattoos are vividly, chillingly permanent
Along the Crustacean cul-de-sac of slack and oceanic concerns...
Aloof penetration that was equally if not more disconcerting
Alternating waves of what? (Envy, self-loathing) Carousing...astrally
Always promising "muffin Day" though never quite delivering
Always sounds weirdly lopsided
Am I a bad man for disapproving (showing disapproval) to loose women who have turned me down
Ambiguous (doubtful, uncertain, susceptible to two or more meanings)
Ambivalent (simultaneously contradictory attitudes)
Amuse the pallet
An Empire of Self
An absence of affection destroys the soul...everyone needs the soul
An absolutely incongruent modification nightmare
An alligator puppeteer (ends up being more of a crocodile wrangler...not the intended position)
An attractive umbrellaless woman
An avalanche of...
An awful lot of bachelorhood to be swum through
An emptiness and desperation of existence without hope
An unbearably isolating and disfiguring personality influx
An undeniably uneven forehead that jet out in different directions, like a halfway rehabilitated (that halfway resembled)
And no matter how far you've gone down, there's always that part inside of you that knows just how far you've come
And wondering if my discomfort is my own peculiarity. I have no way of knowing.
Anguish
Animal like howls of anguished pain
Annoying
Another crushing, teeth-grinding failure
Antoine de Saint-Exupery (Franks view)
Anyone who enjoys any measure of success in his field is open to sensational publicity
Anything at the end
Apocalyptic Smorgasbord
Appendage to pop in, wearing one pyjama, he assembled himself certainly not bringing harm to anyone, only hurting his chances of meeting with the fairer sex as they knew better to stay away
Architect of my own demise
Arduous
Aroused
Artilleryesque
As about as interested in this stuff as she was about the child-as-empiricist-God-delusion horseshit back in the car
As all things, my gift for....had its price.
As fast as you can
As great an accomplishment as I can hope for
As if he would use it later in a comedy routine
As there appear, places that people just don't come back from.
Askance / Askew (towards one corner of the eye, with suspicion, not straightforward)
Assign myself
Assisduously
At its emotional zenith
At the end of her rope and preparing to hang from it.
At the end of the day...
Auspicious (meaning promise, possibility)
Authentic
Avoiding micromanaged...
Avuncular affection notwithstanding
Awakened a sickness in all of us
B
Buccaneer of words
Backwards barn dwelling wack-a-doo
Bad corner you've painted yourself into
Bad form to...
Bald solid thick-wristed men
Bandit
Bank-account-emptying binges
Bare feet looking like purple loves of bread
Be that guy I want to be
Beautifully cadenced
Becoming utterly...
Bedlam
Belletristic (writings or studies of a purely literary nature, especially essays and criticisms)
Bewildered herd
Biting satire, exposing all their foibles. It doesn't seem like enough revenge
Blackest sin (living in the blackest of times)
Blinding epiphanic realization
Blindingly
Blistering
Blitz
Bludgeon
Blur
Booze-blasted face
Borderline, inappropriate behaviour
Borrowing a friend's baby didn't work, nor did taking multiple canines for walks loaned overnight to me by the Humane Society ('test pets' whom failed to integrate to my home). Now I've got it. I hold with me a leash. The leash is tied to a small cage that I drag behind me, and it's real loud. It brings questions, stares. I tell a lovely young lady about how I have misplaced my dog somewhere in the park. She helps me search, well, you get the rest. It's foolproof.
Both free-associative and intricately structured, not unlike nightmares
Bottle of vodka and a sense of impending doom lit my way into the evening
Brand of inebriated...
Brash, all gung ho
Bravado
Bronze and rust colored millipedes
Bruised world
Bruising people's kindness out of shape
Buildings are dingy and decrepit on the outside, flopped beneath the skyline like grey, discarded dishrags
Burnt Mayonnaise and Sour Tang, the scent that emulated from the cowardly and large-eared street sweeper
But I can see that's not going to happen
But on closer inspection
But this is the true story of my wasted life, to come clean, these are only insults to avenge, and injuries to nurse
But you forgave yourself. We all must. Or you die inside from that kind of a sickness that seeps into everything, no matter how you tell yourself repeatedly that it isn't going on in there
By and large...
C
Cadence
Cajole the cooks back inside w ith promises I don’t intend to keep
Calculated charms
Calliopsis
Callisthenics
Callous
Callousness
Camphor: a whitish substance with an aromatic taste, and smell obtained from the camphor laurel-tree
Can't stop crying
Can't swing a reincarted cat without hitting someone
Candle-lit-scripture-study sessions
Cajole the cooks back inside with promises I don’t intend to keep
Capable of idle chitchat
Captivating
Caribou
Caricature of a man
Carpet tunnel syndrome
Cart-wheeling trauma moat, empty, blind and drowning
Case in point
Cataclysmic
Cataclysmically confusing affair
Catastrophically challenged
Catastrophically unsatisfied
Catatonic
Cats will in fact get violent diarrhea if you feed them milk, contrary to the popular image of cats and milk.
Cavalier
Cerebrally constrained
Ceremonial burial ground plagued with curses and poltergeists of all shapes and colors
Certain facts just don't add up
Certain hope-type emotions
Certainly to have been a dwarf, with huge square head, the relative length of the trunk compared to the legs, the sunken nasal bridge, and protruding eyes the stunted phocomelic arms
Chancy at best
Chaperone
Charade
Charge my imagination
Charlatan
Charlie Brown Syndrome
Charmingly eccentric
Chat
Chatterbox
Chemical carcinogenic scents of fabric-softener waft into
Chicken Snuff films (or other animal is funny)
Childish concentration
Chilling counter narrative
Chivalrous
Chords and an erratic time signature
Chronically embittered
Chunks from oversized Toblerone that had been stored in the freezer
Cities swallowed me up
Civilization and its unhealthy influences
Claire Danes, who astonishingly, and for no discernable reason, looks too much like River Phoenix
Clammy, the mangy warthog that could! A Pre-Schoolers How To Book
Clarity
Clearly surrendered to the aging process
Cliquey alliance and exclusion and gossip can be forms of escape.
Clumsy
Clumsy Metaphors
Clutzy
Co-conspirator
Cocooned ourselves
Coldly cynical
Comically disruptive
Compelling
Complete lack of...
Completely hateable
Completely heckelable
Completely intriguing
Complex and unsettling
Complexity
Compulsive and unhealthy relationship with their own thinking
Compulsively imaginative
Comradery
Conceptual art / breathing between words, foreign to me
Concrete sidewalks and charming cobblestone streets.
Condemned
Condition, a disorder that works like a Get Out of Jail Free Card
Confessions...going unheard
Convey a moral truth: a myth
Convincing manner
Cool Hand Luke (I am Luke-Warm Luke)
Cool side of the pillow
Cornucopia
Corrupted
Could this possibly be any worse?
Courteous, unfledgingly, unfailingly
Cracked and bleeding jaw
Cradle of charm
Cradles my broken heart and broken mind...
Cranky
Creating general interest
Creatures undressing
Creed
Creepy wiriness (exhibited)
Criminal enlightenment
Crippled entity
Crippling lack of...
Crippling sense of passionate heat
Crisis (of faith...fates)
Crossing guard, invented an electric pointer, my style was deemed too progressive for the field.
Crossing guards are funny, but seemingly tragically doomed dark figures
Crucial
Cruel
Crusader
Culturally Marginalized Guilds
Cunning malice amidst a buzz of intrigue
Cunning/Crafty Baffled and Powerless
D
Dairy fed-fat asses
Damp fizz of tears
Dare say I
Dark euphoria
Dark, ominous tragic figure, lurking/looming amongst the debris in doorways
Daunting
Dazzling
Deafening
Decaying values
Decent back into the hell of chemical dependence
Decided to tell her of my incurable illness
Declining popularity
Deep blue satiny spaces
Deeply deranged
Defining the Textures of a cognitive dissonance so loud, that the Western World is partly deaf to it.
Defrocked lunacy
Delicate
Delusional
Demonic Blitzkrieg of venomous, primal laborious pain
Derailed emotionally
Designer eatery
Desire
Desperately bad shape
Desperately unbright
Despooling
Destroying
Deteriorate
Devastated
Devilishly Witty (Deliciously)
Devoted solely
Diabolical
Did I miss a meeting?
Didn't make much sense to me
Didn't work out terribly well for her
Diminished
Dingbats
Directed my way is horror
Disconcerting moment
Discouraging
Disenchantment factor is way up there
Disgrace
Disingenuous
Disintegration
Displays of public self-scrutiny that are as excruciating as they are irresistible, and, there are huge and insectile-looking pieces of machinery that...
Distaste for...
Distinct
Disturbing enough to make me...
Dizzying stagger of an isolationist
Do they still make wooden Christmas trees? He had pantophobia...the fear of everything...(I'm pretty sure)
Doddering old...
Does this make any sense to you?
Dogmatic
Dogs that stare at you inquisitively like they want to tell you something, but they can't believe how idiotic you are that you can't understand their language
Darker climate
Deceitful lying minds
Desperately unbright
Disorder could be anything from inability to pee, irrational fear of
Dogs who roam the streets have been subtly turning into coyotes
Domestic strife
Don't ask me why
Don't bother
Don't get me wrong
Don't let's not end up like that...
Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it? I guess she did not
Doomed
Dose of maudlin prose
Dossier of connection and privilege
Down for the big dirt nap, as felony Phil used to say
Downcast
Drab hair and thin lips
Drawn to real grimy stuff
Drawn-out Getting-to-Know-and-Trust-You montage
Dreadful land of lifelong supressions
Dreadful mess
Dreadfully transparently unfunny
Dreadfully wrong
Drive someone right out of their mind with excitement
Drivel
Dumpty-shaped tightwad
E
Earthly orchestration
Easily led
Economically marginalized
Ectomorphic
Editorial justice
Editorial leverage
Edna Malais
Effortlessly
Elaborately unrewarding
Elegant Tea Time debacle pushed me right to the very edge of ship-jumping.
Ellipses
Embarrassing grandiosity, I would later long to downplay
Emblazoned
Emotional hostage taking
Emphysematic-like-wheezing
Empty threat
Enamored
Ending up exhausting the reader before he even gets to...
Endless (seemingly)
Endless symptomatic gauntlet of Withdrawal
Endomorphic
Endured
Enigma
Enigmatic
Ensconced
Enthusiam melting into politeness
Entirely appealing
Entirely empathetic
Entirely endearing
Entirely unique
Entourage
Enveloped and dwarfed by bigger things I didn't understand
Enwreaths me
Epic battle
Epidemic (this) a result of too much of that anyway
Equally distressing were the...
Escargot mustache
Espionage
Essence
Even that required great effort
Events now running past and over me, and having less and less to say about how unclean the proceedings were getting
Ever-lurking ill will
Everyone's too stupid
Everything is breakable.
Exhibiting early stages of…
Evidently supposed to conclude
Evoked electric spontaneity
Evolve
Excessive
Excruciatingly
Excuse me a second...
F
Failing horribly
Fallen into ruin
Familiar guilt of journalistic cannibalism, ashamed of my jaundiced scrutiny
Fantastic
Far from the fluid powerful dance of our younger days
Fashion Outlaw
Fate clouds
Feasible: capable of being done, suitable
Feast (Faustian)
Feasting in that intangible, indefinable delicious morsel
Falling face first when attempting to get up that first step of the social ladder
Finely etched argument
Fridge-Sized
Feeble-minded
Fell in with a group of...
Females are capable of being just as vulgar about sexual and eliminatory functions as males.
Femme fatales
Fervent (glowing, ardent, zealous)
Fireman, fighting fire with fire, only made things worse, my conceptual and innovative ideas banished from the fire hall
Fit like a charm
Fleeting
Flents industrial-strength expandable foam earplugs do not solve the problem of a snoring roommate if the roommate in question is so huge and adenoidal that the snores in question also produce subsonic vibrations that arpeggio up and down your body and make your bunk jiggle like a motel bed you've put a quarter in
Flirt with commerce, often she backed away and deserted me, most often when I told her I needed her most
Flotation device
Flounder
For every one thing that's all right and that has some good in it, there are about 10 things that are unfair, unjust and draining.
For one reason or another...
Forever compromised
Forget E.T, the Extra Terrestrial, I am 'The Main-Lining Terrestrial' under the stairs where the Wicker People live...
Fragmented self
Frankly
Frantic justifications
Free form discussion
Free-Associative Methamphetaminic
Fresh griefs
Freshly-shampooed
Fret not
Freud says work gives the illusion of meaning
Friends who had expressed no previous interest in torture began sending me . . .
Friends would hire me, I would often get a sale, though this breakthrough more than quickly cancelled out any profit my poor overly trusting friends might have brought in. I decided her prices were just too high. Also, unhelpful was my blaring of "Sign of the Gypsy Queen", not well-received by possible purchasing patrons who'd pop in, eager to peruse my friend's fashion wares, most left almost immediately with a face resembling shattered glass, and not in a good way
Frightfully alone, unable to find the one that gets it?
Frigid
Friskies
Frisky
Frolicking
Frothy hubris of...
Fugue state (a)
Full-on, head-on
Fumbling
Fundamentally solitary
Funnily enough
Fussy
Futzing around
G
Gamine charm (a girl with mischievous or boyish charm...a girl street urchin)
Garland of Sonnets
Gaze
Geologic amounts of sober time in AA
Gesture
Giant
Gifted
Gimmicky
Given the tensions of the world, I was in a safe place.
Gloria Swanson Syndrome (You'd know what it was if you had it)
Glorious
Gnome-ware
Go missing entirely
God might regard the issue of whether you believe there's a God or not as fairly low on his/her/its list of things s/he/it's interested in re you.
Gorgeous
Gouge
Govern our day-to-day lives
Graciously
Grandiose parables
Great balloon of coloured silence he sat in
Greatness and largeness of life can bring me to cry almost instantly, it's scarily rare
Greed (Crazed with...)
Grew weary
Grizzly aftermath...I know is on the horizon even before I wake...
Grotesqueness
Grotesquerie
Grumpy
Gleeful Howling
Gutsy
H
Had a weakness for...
Haiku of Hell: The prickly prickly snowmen of September melting in my make believe attic. Pelts pelts pelts
Hair that looks carved out of feldspar
Hands on exploration…
Having been universally rejected
Having your favorite Teddy Bear disemboweled
Hit the nail precisely where it needed to be hit
Half out of your wits
Half-baked hope
Half-delirious from rejection and frantic desperation from less than citrusy lemonade
Handshake Concerns "What's Really Going On There With That Handshake Mister?"
Handsome
Hapless hikers
Harboured an unconscious distrust of love
Harbouring thoughts of...
Harebrained schemes
Hastily thrown together sock puppet
Have only the vaguest idea of which...
Having a lot of money does not immunize people from suffering or fear
He also sometimes seemed to suffer from the verbal delusion that he was an urban black male; I have no idea what the story is on this or what conclusions to draw from it.
He got weird. Nobody knows why.
He needed cheering up. All grown-ups were once children.
He needs unwinding in the very worst way
He settles for imagining the girl pin wheeling through the air towards a glass wall
He writes big blockbuster sentences, admired as much forlinguistic pyrotechnics and syntactical fanciness
He's acting up again
Head on home
Head-clutchingly prolix and involved
Heady Scent
Heartless bourgeois to say so
Heavy burlap sacks
Hemorrhoid-hostile folding chairs
Hence, a poor judge
Her breasts (forehead, lips thin enough) to appear freakish
Her sizable horse like mouth working arduously on a piece of gum
Her soul's already knotted over
Heroically
Hideous glamour pusses.
Hideously mangled dolls
High-watt smile
His enthusiasm bordering on mania
His favorite witticism
His mother and the KKK stalked him one night and sent him running aflame into the forest because of his recently acquired, clearly offensive, frightening style to all unions haircut, supplied by the local Haircuts for Men. (Provided by students of a local college). This is where his troubles began.
His style so nails the tenor of the American sensibility
His tenure as my friend
Hit me with sinus clearing clarity
Hodge Podge of wisdom and nonsense,
Hopeless dunce
Hopes that never materialized
Hornswoggled
Horrendous
Horrifically
Horror show
Human Snafu (another)
Hyper realism
Hysterically Passionate
I
I am defined by my relationship to the world
I am not a criminal but I can find criminality, settle there and lay pretty much undisturbed
I am powerless to describe...
Inoperable
I am so far from my dream (!)
I am suggestible
I apologized promptly without, of course, realizing just what I was sorry for
I can be a handful, to put it mildly
I cannot help but picture
I could not help but experience a strange fusion of the dispassionate journalist, the lover, the father...
I could perambulate unpestered, unthronged
I dared to ask the question...
I didn't want to play anymore is all
I do not know why he's called...
I do not like...but it is there where my story starts...
I don't take well being told what to do. Fundamentally oppositional in nature
I don't think it's an accident that...
I drove through the night, with my shock and grief in the backseat, and my guilt in the front
I entertained thoughts
I envisioned...
I feel ashamed now that I tried to take my own life. It is such a precious thing. I had no one to talk me out of my despair, not really.and that was a mistake. You need to keep people close. You need to give them access to your heart
I feel my lips clamp together with the strangeness of life
I feel the noose of this town tighten around my throat. I was wondering if there was any sort of special program prayer for one who wanted to hang themselves
I get myself mixed up with other people all the time, for instance.
I had never felt entitled
I hate Malaria
I hate mankind, I despise woman-kind, which doesn't leave me much to go on.
I have a few rules; no girls with Marsupial pouches or meaty necks, or if their best trait is, 'not too thick a back' then I should pass
I have absolutely no fucking idea what's going on...shouldn't get my trembling over-caffeinated hands anywhere near...
I have made discoveries
I have mixed feelings of the day.
I have no business resting on my laurels...mine are stacked away someplace
I imagined as both frenetic and weary, with a kind of doomed timeless Faulknerian feel to it
I knew of several; there had to be more
I knew perfectly well
I long to write a piece of literature I stand behind and don't need to give excuses for
I myself, as you can see from this whole insane tirade of prose called a book, had been thru so much junk anyway you can hardly blame me for joining in with the despairists of my time
I need to believe something extraordinary is possible
I never did get straight...
I nodded my head having no idea what he was talking about
I once would have liked to think of myself as a visionary. Now the best I can hope for seems to be dillusionary.
I posit, and argue, then make the suggestion that...
I prefer to be turned on by a woman who invariably looks fucked up
I seem now to be at...
I should really get down to checking on my mom who by now I'm guessing has been sitting in the back seat of the car for what must be going on two days. She must need either changing or at very least a good meal. My project with the rings in the bathtub, and how they relate with Saturn's rings, now takes precedence and has truly taken on a life of its own
I stammered...
I stopped believing in God the day my dad died
I subvocalized
I suffer from an inability to organize myself
I suppose it was rather telling that...
I take issue with...
I thought about, talked about and needed love very much but whenever I got it, it touched me less and less
I thought of how I really didn't understand myself very well at all, and to think otherwise would have been embarrassing
I took her back to the street and I drove around the next couple hours trying to talk myself out of driving full speed into a tree.
I was so lost in thought, as I rounded the corner I barreled right into a...
I wasn't going down without a fight, and I was going down
I would come to grow immeasurably fond of her, even sometimes wishing we could talk about something other than me
I'd be lying if I knew the way past the muddled maze that I've made out of me, let alone who is in the toll booth...
I'd like to offer an abstract concept, something called breathing in-between sentences
I'd like to think I was toughened by the experience, but in retrospect I think it did nothing more than give me a taste for more mischief...
I'd run to the ends of the earth to get my drugs
I'm fairly confidant that...
I'm getting desensitized to myself: maybe that's what happens over the years
I'm in kind of escrow at the moment
I'm smart because I know that Evelyn Waugh is not a woman. Yes, I'm a literary great, in that round Algonquin circle little table area. (Really a cub scout in a circle formation)
I'm talking about guys who've developed (and clearly practiced) really hard handshakes, like really hard, the ones that look you straight in the eye (if you can't avoid it) and while shaking your hand hard enough to arouse the pain from that weirdo fracture in your right hand somewhere near the third knuckle, that you never could figure out how the hell you even got, which hasn't really come up since grade 9 class, but now, which pain is drilling your every core. Their little tryst, to me, says, "This here handshake says I'm not gay. My outstretched hand says I am a gigantic hulking man that has not only been camping in overnight situations with other men, but have killed pretty and cuddly four legged forest creatures who weren't bugging me in the first place. Now, don't even think I'm homophobic. I'm not. Not really. Whatever that word means. I like everyone. Mostly. So remember me with this hard as hell handshake.
I've been experimenting with a little thing called irony
I've made notes, at the properly aligned star module times. anyway, since mom has been 'away', now i've the time to focus on such tasks as keeping fervant notes on just how i, if leaving the tub unatteded, scrubbing-after-wise, I can recreate with blistering creative will and staggering astronomical ability the exact same lines that orbit around Saturn so wondrously. Who could deny me such an endeavour?
I've overdosed at my father's grave, and all my notes and stories are beside me with a note to him...
If it came down to it...
If you let this memory go for but one instant it wanders off and joins its friends, and before you know it you're chasing their phantom trails in so many directions that you weave a family tapestry, a heritage quilt of memory! Who needs that?
Ignoramus
Illicit
Illusions
Illustrious
Imagine that
Imbecile
Immaculately
Immeasurably
Immediacy
Impenetrable
Impenetrable
Imperiously lame
Implants of sorts
Impoverished
Impunity
Impure thoughts
In a jiffy
In a way I don't much like
In a world of unlimited possibilities...
In a temporary lapse of character
In an epileptic frenzy...
In his father's glass eye
In one of my many famous moments spent wondering if I was going to be alone for the rest of my life
In some strange country between dream and waking
In the vague way...
In the world of pretence, a pretender is the best thing that you can be
Inadequacy
Inattentive
Incompetent
Incomprehensible
Incredibly good
Incredibly misguided
Indifference at times
Inert (without power of action or movement/motion)
Inexhaustible source
Infinite strength
Insidious (treacherous/crafty)
Insipid (lacking flavour, vigour, interest)
Inspiration
Inspires dread
Instincts
Insurmountable
Integrity/Integral
Intensely puzzling
Internal out-of-control slope of ferocity
Interspersed
Intolerable conflict and anxiety
Intolerable terrifying recreation of intolerable pain
Intricacies
Intrinsically
Intuition
Irony-free zone
Irreverence (disrespectful)
Irritatingly well-adjusted, irksome individuals waiting to do you a good turn, pointless overly helpful do-gooders who can't wait to...
It is easy to make a man miserable while he feels he is unworthy of himself
It's a curse to be me, Life holds no suprises
It became clear to me
It emptied me of hope
It had long since being a release of relief or fun
It takers great personal courage to let yourself appear weak
It was all just killing time till the sun went out
It was the jumbo shrimp and stuffed mushrooms that circulated with trays of sobbing failed-actor-waiters loudly sharing their uninformed opinions with anyone, food animal or human, within earshot
It's hard not to imagine...
It's most likely (more than likely best) I'm filled with regret. I hate regret. Wish things could have turned out differently. I'm more out of my head then I realize on that stuff.
It's never too late for a man to turn his life around
It's on its side spasming
It's well executed, but the variety of fabulism in which the fantastic is juxtaposed with the pedestrian has become common of late.
Jeopardize
Joie De Vivre
Joyless
Juggernaut (of fragrance)
Jumpsuit
Jungle of clouds
Just ridiculously good-looking
karma sutra yoga skills worthy of the freakiest third world circus parading enslaved child contortionists sucking their own toes for comfort...
Kaopectate-coloured
Kiddies cornering themselves
L
Lacuna (missing portion, blank or gap)
Ladies with plastic shoes are undeniably sad
Lame brains
Landscape of the grotesque
Languid (lacking force, faint weak, little motion)
Largess...A generous gift, a donation...
Last-gasp, back-from-the-dead effort
Laughably false
Leaps to intercept me
Least desirable
Lengthy and involved
Less speculation the better
Let them roast marshmallows over my corpse! I plug in a fake fireplace that would not roar, though the idea of warmth would be there
Let us draw the curtain of charity over the rest of that particular bit of
Libation
Lights flickered through us, red, amber and green as we lay in awe on her backyard grass in total blackness, we went by our own signs
Loss of relationship derails you
Like most everything in my life, it was not what I had hoped for
Like that first taste of astonished kissing, playful dancing lips, moist and saying yes
Limitless
Linty pyjamas
Littered with...
Little by little
Lodged in their heads
Loitering, wandering in paper smock, shoes as durable as shoe shaped coffee filters
Long in the tooth
Long slithering ribbon of drool cascading from her pouty lips, slithering down her taut neck
Long stretches of gloom and melancholy, followed by extravagant bursts of...
Looked as if I was having a real whirl
Looks uncannily like the actor...
Loquacious (talkative, bordering on babbling...talkativeness)
Lost the ability to lie to myself about being able to quit, or even about enjoying it, still. Having the strength that is, if in fact, that's what it is a matter of.
Lounge-hags
Lousy with it
Loyalty
Luck is just that: Dumb
Ludicrous
Lunatic
Lurid series of spots for a national string of walk-in liposuction clinics
Lush
Lusty fancy
Luxuriously Delectable Palette
Lying there, languid by the pool.
M
Mad and bespectled egghead sociologists
Maddening tangle
Made up in candor what it lacked in...
Make a spectacle of myself
Maladroit
Malarkey
Malice
Malicious innuendo
Mamet-ian (From Der Processe)
Mammoth-sized
Managed Fun
Maniacal discipline
Manifesto
Many places in my life instantly (it seemed) had manifested into equally dark places of despair and lamentation, going back and forth
Marble-headed fraud
Marked by struggle and sadness (her face)
Marmoset
Marvelled
Masquerade
Meth lab mystique
Meticulously embroidered
Massivel experience
Massive inflated afflictions
Massive waste
Materializes
Mausolea (plural of mausoleum)
Maybe you're onto something
Me, left particularily, friendless, as well as underwearless.
Me, the ungodly horse carriage for hire...
Meanwhile back at the castle . . .
Meet me in Montauk at midnight.
Melliferous (flowing sweetly or smoothly)
Melting-pot mélange on the order of like a Benetton commercial
Mementos
Menstrual gazebo
Mental anguish of a Minstrel Show
Mentally bent out of shape
Merrily chirping
Merriment
Methamphetaminic speed
Milieu
Milling about slugishly in the lobby
Millipede sandwich
Mind-boggling efficiency
Mindblowing flair
Mindless entertainment
Miners are not allowed in certain bars...who should tell such lardish laborours where and when they can eat drink an smoke
Minor triumph
Minstrels of madness
Mirage of horrific beauty was meticulously
Miscalculated
Miserable
Misled
Modus Operandi
Mom knowing when I was screwing up, as too many William Burroughs books started showing up laying in different rooms in the house and doors that were often ajar or left open entirely, casually, suddenly were shut. She knew.
Momentarily
Monumentally intolerable, which sounded to me, no less than grand and large
Monumentally unfulfilled
Moral Ruin
Morass (something that traps confuses or impedes)
Morbidity
More and more, these things seemed to mean less and less
More spooky than I could have imagined.
Moreover
Morose
Mortified
Mortifying
Mosaics
Most Substance-Addicted people are also addicted to thinking, meaning they have a compulsive and unhealthy relationship with their own thinking
Most of us live the greater part of our life submerged...
Most often, allowing my mind to explore such themes as "what to do" "what might someone like me do now? Etc. etc.
Movements swift and certain
Much in the same way that "...as i walked back to my room alone..." has that quality
Much the way a mental patient doesn't think anything is wrong with them, at the same time, while they are telling you this, simultaneously dumping/pouring a bowl of grouse stew over their head
Murderous
My alarming curvature of the distorted perplexive sense of self
My dreams, unsatisfied fancies, hopes, memories and imaginations have accumulated nothing but inexhaustible complicated unmet needs.
My drug use was the convenient culprit, the real problem was not that but my attention dial left spun (spinning) on the setting of 'deficit disorder'...cycle and general contempt (by this time) for the world and its unbalanced equinox.
My emotional repertoire
My forehead bulging with concentration
My gait - a manner of walking, forward motion manner
My hectic hustle in the already too scorching a day oriented toward a brief moment of transcendence
My inability to be self-sufficient
My leg falls asleep; at least part of my body is getting rest
My mind's eye...
My mood would seesaw from joy to rage
My one misgiving
My plan took shape...
My saga was stale
My teeth and mind weathered, yellowed by the years
My trousseau of unrequited dreams.
N
Nasty
Nativity scenes...un-natural nonsense...that irksome business
Naturally, I disliked this
Nauseating
Nearly-insanity-producing
Needle-jockey
Needless to say
Neglected
Neil Diamond once heartily sang, "Home's the most excellent place of all", alas, this was barked desperately from the fifth floor of a Betty Ford Detox...not that that should cancel out entirely the heartfelt sentiment, I'm just saying
Neoteric (modern)
Nerve-racking
Nest of Irony, my pretty bird friends wouldn't let me hang out in...stupid crows
Never been a fan of...
Never pleasant for me
Never use "the familiar" with the policemen
Nightmare either way
No doubt
No great fan
No longer does he drive off into the night with other people's merchandise
No mood to be fucked with
No more living on 'Planet I don't know'. I want to eject myself from that deathly dumb planet, the air, too toxic for the worst of my mind
Nobody with a nervous system would want to miss...
Nomadic
Not everyone gets corrupted, you have to have a little faith in people
Not exactly the brightest bulb in the ship's intellectual chandelier
Not his first stop on the 'drop the soap express to bottom exploitation'
Not his first stop on the 'drop the soap express to bottom exploration'
Not so in the...
Not that you'd want to imagine any of this
Note: If I ever have any daughters, name them all Connie.
Notoriety
Notoriously fond of
Novelty beverage
Nowhere to go
Nuances
Nuisance
Numbingly
Numbnutses
O
OK, let's not spend a lot of time drawing this whole incident out.
Obese
Oblique
Obscene
Obscenely Vital
Occult adults
Occupying emotional terrain
Odyssey
Oeuvre
Old-timers disease
On an epic scale
Only the whitest, most highly processed, severely modified versions of cleansed and sanitized "ingredients".
Orgiastic banquet of immortality and joy
Ostensibly
Ought to have told me
Our troubles began the following morning...
Out of her tree
Out of my head
Outrageous
Outskirts of time (town), wrong side of the tracks
Outstanding in that capacity
Over ripening in anticipation
Over sensitivity
Over the top merriment from counter help makes me want to be a terrorist.
Overweening...arrogant, presumptuous, exaggerated
P
Painfully absurd in the tuxedo-motif T-shirt I wore on the first formal night
Palace
Pampering
Pancake Batter from a bucket
Pancake breakfast...some sort of extreme marshmallowish-caramel delight englazened with lime green food colouring, looking as if it was just glued together with cookie dough by some margarine-glazed gals back in the kitchen troughs. A skeletal Walter Mathieu comes over and hands me his teeth and says he's proud of "How accessible they are"
Panhandling tweakers
Papoose
Parable
Paradigm
Paralyzing fear
Parameters
Parasitically alone
Parody
Part of the problem was that according to several reliable sources...
Particularly hairy
Particularly seductive
Particularly unpleasant
Parties who thought I was the main attraction at some people petting zoo.
Pastiche
Patchy
Pathological (indifference at times)
Patriotic chizzler
Peculiar sense of self-preservation
Peed upon
Pelvically anfractuous
People didn't like what they were doing and didn't seem to have any idea about what they should do next
People dying around me, seemingly gladly, so that I make what still contribution I still had in my half right mind still brewing beneath some of the surface stuff
People named Van or Lou
People who have 3 or more uncoverable black teardrops descending from the corner of one eye, from, say a night of mescaline and adrenalized grief, will forevermore, from a couple meters away, appear as though they have flies on them.
People who listen to too much Bruce Hornsby are more often than not, a fairly damaged lot.
Perfect sense
Perfectly acceptable
Performers and portrayers
Perhaps you're curious as to...
Perilous times
Perimeter
Permeate
Perpetually
Perplexed
Persecuted minority
Persnickety marble-mouthed-moops, coots that drained every drop of quenched vitality I managed to muster
Petting a budgie, I'm a budgie, you're a budgie, I'm a...
Petty consolations for the poor of heart and mind
Phenomenally-talented
Phonetic perspective
Phonologically misshapen
Pique your curiosity
Placated (readily appeased or pacified, willing to forgive)
Plausible
Playing endless variations...
Pleasure seeker
Plenty of time
Plight; A state or condition of the distressing kind; predicament
Plum-jacketed sommeliers
Plump
Plush
Polymorphously insensitive
Poorly chosen
Pornography...organs going in and out of other organs, emotionless, terribly lonely...an impoverished, lonely idea of sexuality
Porridge
Positively animated
Positively monsterly
Possessed of a bawdy sense of
Possessing a delicate ambiguity
Possible to miss the point anymore (Is it?)
Post-Buddhist Nietzschean in dreadlocks, and myself the robust and towering the amphetamine-polemicist, pounding out these erratic rhythms of will and production
Potentially disastrous
Potion
Pouring peppermint tea
Poverty of thinking...
Praying mantis
Precious
Precipitous
Predictable polemics-controversial discussion
Predisposed
Prepossessing
Preposterous
Prestigious
Presumably
Preventative dentistry: people you hire to protect you against these smock-wearing glamour pusses. Not my full point, though, my point is where to find them, to hire them
Prickly structureless
Prim Rubbernecks
Proceeding to sit down, take a deep breath and resume combing his tongue
Prodigious Guinness-guzzler, human chimney
Proffering
Profoundly terrifying
Profoundly unbiblical sex
Prolix, (bullocks I say to such...)
Prolixity (long winded, tedious)
Promise of comedy
Prone to staggering brilliance
Prop Master of hope
Proportionately
Proved challenging
Pseudo-bohemian
Psycho central
Psychological vandalism
Pulverizing hangover
Punished
Pathos to Bath-house
Pathetically
Prodigious Guinness-guzzler,
Profoundly misguided
Puttering through the vestibule with her walker
Q
Quantum Physics
Quaranteened puppies
Quick to pinpoint
Quite simply you are...
R
Racy nurse-wear catalogue
Radically different
Radically different ideas of basic personal hygiene
Random Hatred
Raw throb of existence
Relatively unreachable
Repelled yet interested
Raggedy
Raging failure
Ran out of cerebral steam
Random lottery of meaningless tragedies and narrow escapes
Rank inability
Rapacious
Rather like that...
Raving psychotic.
Realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know
Re-emergence
Really what I've gained is a forum to speak some freedom of expression and maybe you've come to learn something about yourself today
Recalling with a modicum of bittersweet nostalgia how...
Recovery-speak
Reeling
Refinement
Refreshing as some fucking intramural flag football with really tall people (people that are more than a tad bit taller than you) 10 of them
Refreshingly candid, yet admittedly less traditional
Regime
Regrets that make painful memories
Relentless
Reluctant to...
Remarkably dreary
Remarkably unethical
Removing the textural fourth wall
Remy Martin is a subtle yet well defined champagne cognac produced in France; it is not a card game played by crusty seniors in Montreal
Rendered inconsolable
Renegade
Renegade savage fowl that tormented me with ballistic squealing...
Repartee
Repugnant and spiraling hooded figure looming, seriously deformed
Repulsive
Restless wanderer
Restored (she had restored me to caring)
Retreat from deviance and anything you know to be underhanded activity.
Retreat to the cottage, from time to time wandering, syringe in hand, the happy squalls of old talk radio tapes blaring, voices unknown but comforting, no one around to tell me to 'turn it down'
Revered; to regard with mingled fear, respect and affection
Reviewing my monstrous imperfections resulted in 8 hours of nocturnal anxiety I wouldn't wish on...
Revolting
Rhinoplasty that didn't make it
Ridiculed
Ridiculous...and by association, so am I
Rig a complex system of mirrors
Right up there with 'girls with thin lips'
Rigor mortis
Risqué affluence
Rooting through
Roster of…
Rottenness of the world
Ruinous
Rummaging ransack dissect subject to my own cruel examinations, unwashed unclean scalpels
Rumple-Teazer
Rumpled...Rumple and his stunted stilts, what of his second skin sold to the Pawn place on Rimpau St.
Ruse...trick or stratagem
Rustic and romantic
S
Sadly telling
Said I.....
Salieri Complex
Sallow
Sarcophagus
Saucey
Saucy
Shatner-esque physique
She swims in my blood
Snazzy
Song of the siren beckoning, drawing me in
Sort through
Sasquatch or the more tough-to-track down Yeti. She inhaled food as though she was living in the bush for a good decade or so
Savage
Saying I had certainly read "all his stuff" but when pressed as to which ones, could not seem to place any exact titles, referencing only something mumbled about "The last journals" or some such thing
Scalping tickets at The Dalai Lama show (which can't be good for racking up any points in the Kharma Dept (credits)
Scaly albino spider feet
Scepticism (met with...)
Schematic
Schlemiel
Scratch n' Sniff pop-up book for adults
Screams like a child being burned alive
Scrotum-tightening
Scruffy old carnie
Scythe (cyr?)
See this as some lost opportunity
Seems so phenomenally unbusy
Seeping in
Self congratulatory
Self revulsion
Self-deprecating cleverness has become a virtue, thank God
Selfish bottom-feeding dipshits
Sensual
Sentimentality
Serving as a signpost to others, caution...a cautionary tale (faltering)
Severe Vertigo
Severity
Shabby nobility in failing all by myself
Shackled
Shafts of sunlight
Shallowly
Shape us (things that)
Sharp satirical commentary
Sharper social skills
Shattering
She called me reptilian. Is that good? I'm pretty sure it means 'gone creatively wild'
She had a face like a crazed jack-o-lantern, with a Leprechaun-like dry and uneven auburn hair weave happening and a limp. A monsterly slouch. She was my pretty monster.
She looked alarmingly like Dudley Moore, and not in a good way.
She said she needed me to bring a cv, this is not Couvosier...a dossier of liquid lunch
She thought I was self involved (unsolvable, she even called me) but I couldn't see it
She washes me, suitably pajama'd and orthodontically equipped for sleep
She's strictly from hunger. Now, I'm kind of guessing that this is not unlike being starved, or for that
She, attended her first support group meeting, 'Mother's who have son's with embedded books
Shelterlessness
Showed no prior interest in seeing my demise, though seemed to be making up for it now.
Shrub-nesting syringes like white and orange vipers.
Shut the whole system of his life down
Shy away from those known to be...
Sick with disappointment
Sickeningly witty, wry and wrought with dampened...
Sistine chapel (Sixteen chapel?) chapeau?
Skeleton T- shirt
Slang
Slave to strangers and their disadvances
Slight snag
Slim to none
Slippery Flux
Slipping what should have been suppositories into the rectums of unassuming lost seniors / nuts instead, justification they will grow more naturally anf healthy, just the nots, not the seniors as there time is pretty much decidely done for!
Sloppy
Slouch
Sluggish apathy
Sly
Sly disingenuous manipulative pseudo-sincerity
Smoldering
So I went home and in the general vanity of Masterson, Timothy that esquire business kept close in tow, I decided to become a writer, write a huge novel explaining everything to everybody, and try, as always, to keep my own spirit alive, and make a "go' of it, with out making to many useless and stalling pit stops, that self seeking behaviour that left me distorted...trying to out run it, at times run right into the crazy skid to see what happens, all the time on the lookout for that lifestyle that makes sense
So back to the call...
Sobbing jags
So began our life of crime
So tired my hair hurts
Sombrero
Some of the more piercing profanities
Some out-a-sight shit
Some preposterous dénouement (that would only serve you, to sum up things, not how life works)
Some sort of Darren MacGavin Night Stalker kind of creepy candy vampirish floss
Some unbridgeable difference
Somehow astrally projected onto a cocktail napkin
Somehow managing
Somehow you could never face yourself, quite. You would always feel as though you might have done better
Something to do with a seesaw
Something perversely and obstinately endearing
Sometimes a person's best just isn't good enough
Sometimes it takes a lifetime to even figure out what it is you "need"...Note* give an earnest attempt to get to what that thing is as soon as you can
Somewhat monsterly somnambulant sloth shuffle
Somewhere along the line, someone decided that this activity...
Somnambulant shuffle
Somnolent hum
Sophisticated
Sound turns into shadows
Soupcon
Sour parody of
Spectator-hazardous event
Sphincter-loosening
Spinning yarn
Spiritual calculus
Splay-legged
Sprinkled with a strange assortment
Squinting behind expensive eyewear
Stammering
Stank like the back room of an undertakers establishment...
Stank of the moms pampering and whimpering...
Startling to find myself locked in a windowless room with a man who barely reached my waist
Statistically improbable number of
Staying rabidly active
Sterilize
Sterling performance
Stewing about
Stifle
Still so retroactively Wounded and Hurting from it
Story tellers provide cohesion, myths and expression for a culture
Strabysmic eyeballs
Straighten everything out...
Strangely smitten
Stranger wherever I go because I'm a stranger myself
Stream of unconscious...falling into my own, getting moist beyond belief (misbehaving)
Strenuous
Strewn with Landmines
Strikingly
Stymied
Subterranian (depths, deaths)
Subtle
Succinctly
Such overachievers
Suddenly this tale seems terribly moving
Suffering
Suffocating
Sullen and shifty-eyed residents
Sullied and meridethed (though not Lee Meriweather)
Superhero suits
Supine
Supple
Surely he had me confused with someone else.
Surly
Surrendered to the hurricane of emotion
Suspending what I knew to be better judgement, saying "Sure, why not"
Swarthy
Sweaty woolen mittens
Swirling, whirling deviled dervished
Swooned, sighed, wobbled, lash-batted, growled and hubba'd
Sybaritic
Symptom..."(is but a)"
Syrianly tan
T
THE ENCAGED AND SUICIDAL HAVE A REALLY HARD TIME IMAGINING ANYONE CARING
Take issue with this point
Tale about a big messy world
Taut body
Taxingly contemplative
Tedium
Teeth Shatteringly funny
Telescopically self-conscious
Tell tale signs of loneliness, a backdrop to a lifelong bachelorhood. Well, there's the Eddie Money music blaring in your basement "studio" apartment, the Murphy bed, bar fridge and hot plate, the English flag covering the windows...
Temptation resisted is a true measure of character...to give in to temptation is to
Tender
Terribly bright (not)
Terribly charming
Terrifically lonesome
Terrifying fear
Texture
That a little-mentioned paradox of Substance addiction is: that once you are sufficiently enslaved by a Substance to need to quit the Substance in order to save your life, the enslaving substance has become so deeply important to you that you will all but lose your mind when it is taken away from you.
That a little-mentioned paradox of Substance addiction is: that once you are sufficiently enslaved by a Substance to need to quit the Substance in order to save your life, the enslaving substance has become so deeply important to you that you will all but lose your mind when it is taken away from you.
That boring activities become, perversely, much less boring if you concentrate intently on them.
That certain persons simply will not like you no matter what you do.
That no matter how smart you think you were, you are actually way less smart than that.
That precise interplay of nuance and shading
That some people really do look like rodents. (Not a judgment call, neither good or bad, just is)
That sometimes human beings have to just sit in one place and, like, hurt.
That was, indeed and unmistakable
That would seem to be the case...
That you do not have to like a person in order to learn from him/her/it.
That you will become way less concerned with what people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.
That's how pathetic things are
That's impossible to read or figure
That's very telling
That, perversely, it is often more fun to want something than to have it
The Archie comic Nazi republic of shame and failure.
The Grand Pooh Bah
The Horse Whisperer, I could be good at that, I'd know just what to say. (How do they know what to say?) Who taught them? Magical talking horses? I will be "The Kitten Whisperer"
The Paintball Puppet People, the brand new musical
The Patch never worked for me, tough to digest and I don't know what they were thinking with the taste, overtly sandy and raw, like woodchips woven in, like a dry tea bag...
The Postman always rings twice, often a third time if one is tending to loud pets in an attic or sub basement, thus more out of range, he may even get to a forth time if in fact no dog has chased him away from the property.
The Romantic Manifesto (Unromantic manifestation)
The Truman Capote thing, abandoning a book, abandoning this life.
The best place to bury your mutilated kitty is a creek bed
The big Father & Son Dance
The coffee is, quite simply, the kind of coffee you marry somebody for being able to make
The color of unbrushed teeth
The comedy unraveling...
The day passed like a dream (describe)
The defeatism of this sentence reinforces my suspicion; I've sketchy mental real estate...
The dreadful, irritating habit of death (nauseating)
The exchange of ideas and idioms
The familiar panic in feeling misperceived is rising.
The fractal maze
The freedom of choice to say No. Torture. How would I react? Poorly.
The general caliber of Christian herd morality that seeks to "help" another through the bad harems of faith
The horsewhisperer, I could be good at that, I'd know just what to say.
The hosing down portion of my denegration suit me fine, enlisting others, volunteers even, to take time from their busy schedule so that they can make sure I'm spiffy freshly squeaky cleansed and supple.
The incalculable number and complexity of choices that confront a man in his day-to-day existance, with the frequently bewildering torrent of events, with the alteration of successes and failures, of joys that seem too rare and suffering that lasts too long -- he is often in danger of losing his perspective and the reality of his own convictions
The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised
The irremediably cellulitic.
The jails are full of people who developed some pretty bad cultural planning early on...
The lies sicken you, they drown you til you cannot breath, and then what will there be to be done?
The low brow and prognathous jaw typically associated with fetal alcohol syndrome
The mind is a funny thing, what you do to with yourself and what you do to others, knowingly or not.
The morbidly diaphoretic with a hankie in every pocket.
The morbidly obese
The near orgasmic satisfaction of
The next few hours get kind of kaleidoscopic and unfocused...
The ones who boasted they did have a clue clearly don't and the ones who are clearly lost a pointless and lifeless well, pretty much are, so where does that leave us, at the risk of sounding bleak (!)
The only way I'll ever distinguish myself...
The picture in my soul
The piper not only must be paid, he must...
The posture of a proboscis monkey
The questionable value of my mental real estate...
The radically old
The really large pored.
The reign of Hellenic terror the waiters labor under.
The remains of a breath mint turned sour (blank, flavorless)
The same could be said for...
The severity, we're talking of constriction-undergarment wise.
The shards of the street
The snaggle-toothed, wattled, weak-chinned and walrus cheeked
The stuff of fucking nightmares
The syringes sticking out of my back pocket at the AA meeting did little to give me that "part of the solution" feeling I was going for
The thick and gooey honey sweet love parade, that I see my affection being.
The things in life that are upsetting you are more than likely things well worth being upset about
The thought balloon above my head (instructed me to...) I always listen to thought balloon, that is when I can make it out.
The times I can remember, I wish I could connect better with those times being carried from the car into our house after dinner out somewhere feeling the safest I would ever feel in this life.
The truth is I don't like it, I just hate the alternatives more
The truth is a corrosive thing
The truth is that the hours before a suicide are usually an interval of enormous conceit and self-involvement
The two of them made quite a pair, hugging the wet bar, picking snobbily at the stuffed waiters...
The urge to make cruel sport of him was always irresistible
The way she ignored me, I could tell she liked me
The weirdest things ambushed me as I drifted off into sleep...
The whole incident was incredibly frazzling and angst-fraught and filled almost a whole Mead notebook and is here recounted in only its barest psycho skeletal outline.
The world loves an underdog (not if he stops trying, I mumble under my breath)
Theirs was a passionless relationship
Theirs was a world of...
Theoretically bound to mention
There are different types of drug users. Here's two. The partiers and the copers. The partiers do it and return to life. The copers do it and do it and do it and wonder what to do until you can get more for the next time
There are never accidents in construction, just carelessness, unskilled labor, and hangovers. I can't stress this enough.
There are no signs. Only things people take to mean are signs
There isn't any exception
There might not be angels, but there are people who might as well be angels
There must be lingering bits of relief to justify the lifelong fight, thus then what is the point
There's a larger logic at work
There's just something about a girl sitting alone on a park bench playing with her hair, looking involved with the world, open to newcomers and passersby, such as the likes of me...
There's a certain type of person who carries a picture of their therapist in their wallet.
They tended to have
They'll be no shows tonight at the prison
Things were just wrong. I didn't know how to make them right
Thinking less would be a hell of a hobby, one appreciated by those i came into contact with
This book was is dedicated to the author, the child he from whom this grown up grew
This either an achievement for me or a brand new fucken low.
This evening I try to relax, a bath, a steamy hot herbal bath. I'm even able to accomplish, or come very close to what a human might refer to as relaxing
This goofy slapdash anarchic system of low-rent gatherings and corny slogans and saccharin grins and hideous coffee is so lame you just know there's no way it could ever work except for the utterest morons...
This is for technical reasons that won't fit on the napkin I'm taking notes on.
This last year I'd been involved in, has been one of the most brutal in many ways
This makes for shitty odds
This occasion is a real two-handed head clutcher, awesome in its ickiness
This type of work is undoubtedly in your future.
This was a persona I'd been tinkering with myself
This was but a small sin in a wash of greater ones...
Those of us still standing at the end of the day...
Those sitting next to me sensed uneasiness in various forms
Those times of being known as Mr. No Fixed Address it seemed doubly alluring if a girl said anything that resembled ("come back) to my house", that whole thing about being warm and nestled indoors which astounded me and maxed out my pleasure sense something fierce
Those who spend their time in the company of dairy animals
Though I couldn't say why
Though I have to admit
Though I kind of think he used that down on self bit just to grab some attention from the ladies around the groups, but who knows.
Thoughts will appear to be much larger than they really are
3 librium restored my nervous system to its usual timbre Expressionless
Through empty rooms which once resonated with affectionate laughter,
Throw caution to the wind. That's what I remember about Dave. He laughed so hard after our meeting at the beach up at the old Harbour House in Dana Point CA, I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. I mean the guy was seriously choking. I miss him.
Tickle me asshole: some torrid unplush sex toy for Irish cats) took me by surprise
Tie it all together
Tifloris (blindness)
Time to be a better guy
To persue fantasies and feed freely on whatever I choose, what I see fit
Tone
Tongue swelling at the thought of it
Too much rejection causes Cancer.
Too susceptible to the pangs of evil and twisted elements
Took a mental note to next time...
Tooth-loosening amounts of coffee
Torment...tormented by my talents...draining friends, non responsive acquaintances
Torture
Towering in Spirit
Toying with the idea
Trading on love's tender intricacies even before I arrive at that gate myself, some loud spacey hub
Tragic figure
Tragically for me...
Trampy
Transparent
Trapped
Trauma
Treacherous
Tremendous Capacity
Tremendously complex and depressing
Tricky
Troubling
Trousers
True enough, but all the same I danced around
Trust me on this.
Truthful
Tryst
Turmoil
Turning the pages of the latest behemoth of self-help.
Turtleneck-wearing thing
Twisted mare in some horse thieving scheme (scam)
Two years of sedulous postgraduate study
U
Ubiquitous (like, everywhere)
Ukranian Mafia
Ultimately, he attached himself to nothing.
Unabashedly sentimental
Unalterably...
Unbearable magic of a girl doing anything sometimes, just walking in a room could fluster me
Unbecoming
Unbright child
Uncharacteristically
Undeniably
Under what presidential administration was this room last cleaned?
Underlying truth not immediately apparent
Undeserving
Undisciplined
Undoubtedly
Unendurable
Untimely demise
Unfavourable
Unfettered by the confines of regular...
Unformed ideas
Unfriendly, unhappy, in too close proximity to me, made me begin to feel...
Ungodly
Unhampered by rigid traditionalist notions of what was masculine and feminine
Unhealthy associations
Unhealthy investment in...
Unimaginable
Unpardonable (an act which was...)
Unpleasant-looking
Unprecedented poolside salivation
Unreachable
Unreliable
Unruly mob (scene...some)
Unsatisfying
Unsettling versions
Unsound
Unstable
Unsturdy pair
Unsullied
Untrustworthy
Unveriphiable
Unwisely
Uphill bowling
Uplifting
Uproariously
Urban underclass
Urchin-like street villain
Utopian
Utter disbelief and disgust
Utterly, (what of an utterless society...proper gloves needed most likely)
V
Vacant with dis-interest
Vague alacrity of seasoned drug-addicts
Vanished
Veering away from
Vegetarian sex cult bible communist
Veritable Sasquatch of ideas
Vicissitudes (change or succession, ups and downs of fortunes)
Violent maverick loner seeks...
Visceral
Vista
Vital
Vivid Notion
Vivid mordant splendour
Vixen
Voluptuous phantom
Voyeurism
Vulgar accessory
W
W/r/t (with regards to) VIZ - Which is really/which really means
Wackadoo melon head
Wading through grief eventually having it wash over you to the point of being starved of deserved
Walking the quays
Wandering empty in lost parks of my youth, hoping someone, something familiar might touch me on
Warned myself not to...
Was so peculiar it was hard to imagine him being from anyplace
Wasteland of...
We all work through it. That is, if you give yourself the opportunity to.
We need dreams that promote and extol unity and collective success...while maintaining our individuality and independence.
We're all rolling the dice here and no one really knows what to do
Weary
Weeks later I would learn
Weepy
Well, as to just where I left all those crazy pieces to the puzzle I am, I wouldn't know where to begin and as far as finding my way home, I'm not even touching that puppy.
What I ought to do?
What I've wanted for so long doesn't exist.
What about this love people have for saying things are fine, when they ain't fucken fine at all.
What insanity must sound like
What is that about?
What is this tripe?
What she does is eat
What they are, are...
What's in play here, I think...
Whatever it was that spilled out of your purse during one of your many Kleenex expeditions
Wheels of ambition
When (Male character) was but a twinkle
When I piece together my past, I am sick and sorrowful
When she was here there was a new dynamic, she suddenly had the daughter that she always wanted and suddenly she had the son that she never wanted.
When that stuff touches my brain, it has done so deliciously in the past that I would expect no different this outing.
When the dust clears...
When you were nothing but a twinkle in your father's glass eye
Which may account for a sluggish and slightly dazed quality
While staring through her eyes that sought answers, mentally
Who wants to experience those uncomfortable moments after the always all too brief sex show, so...
Who will comfort my mother if I am unconscious, further disfigured thoughts purvail as I'm not doing such a hot job of it alive, so there lies at least some of the meat in this matter...
Who wouldn't have to get high just to stand it?
Whole new unique interior spiritual castle, now, to live in
Why feed a timid nature?
Wildly under qualified
Wildly unlikable
Winter is my souls' season
Wiping my verbal ashes of their...
Wistfully
With a belly like a swinging sack of meal and a thoroughly visible ass to back it up
With both his unfunniness and his resemblance to every apartment-complex coke dealer we'd ever met
With results I'd prefer not to describe in any more detail than as unfortunate
With the intensity of a
Withdrawn
Without her, I am not only alone, I am incomplete
Wizardry
Womby Warmth
Words just spilled out of me
Words we deftly spin each day
World of delerium
Worthy of their affections
Would now move on to pursue other equally unsuccessful ways of getting attention
Y
Yes, life is a funny, funny thing
Yes, she was quite a delight...
You amaze me...
You are a prisoner of sorts, you have made yourself so
You can never really know what someone else is thinking
You curl my toes and sockaloons
You have to wonder where you've gone wrong
You learn that no single individual moment is in and of itself unendurable
You'll have little or no idea what to do with...
You'll never know what your parents endured, and you may treat them unkindly, in a way you otherwise wouldn't
Your little trysts
Youth, beauty, and a fabulously decadent bicoastal jet-set lifestyle. Failing that, a grey cable-knit sweater symbolizing middle-aged complacency and the death of youthful dreams sobbing jags and incomprehensible wailing that is.
| 
