The Ultimate List of Things I've Picked Up Along The Way

Here good citizens, find ultra wonderful, at times high-brow Terms, Phrases, and David Foster Wallace-isms that I "borrow" from time to time to punch up my own brand of narcissistic yet compelling and sincere participatory investigative journalism" OR Just plain fun things to drop whilst at parties

"...and then kind of horrifically, everyone in the room started milling around wildly and hugging each other! It was like somebody'd thrown a switch. There wasn't even very much conversation. It was just hugging, as far as Kate could see. Rampant, indiscriminate hugging, where the point seemed to be to hug as many people as possible regardless of whether you'd ever seen them before in your life. People went from person to person, arms out and leaning in. Big people stooped and short people got up on tiptoe. Jowls ground into other jowls. Both genders hugged both genders. And the male-to-male hugs were straight embraces, hugs minus the vigorous little thumps on the back that she's always seen as somehow prerequisite for male-to-male hugs. Johnette was racking up a serious amount of hugs. Kate had her usual lipless expression of morose distaste, but even she gave and got some hugs. But Erdedy -- who'd never particularly liked hugging -- moved way back from the thong, over and up next to the AA-Conference-Approved Literature table, and stood there by himself with his hands in his pockets, pretending to study the coffee urn with great interest"

Guys come in fresh from detox still in Withdrawal with their eyes rolling like palsied cattle and an earing in their eyelid and a tattoo that says BORN TO BE UNPLEASANT -- besides the fact that his upper arms are the size of cuts of beef you rarely see off hooks

Indescribable psychic cringing

Then they all recited the Our Father, not exactly in unison. Kate later swore she distinctly heard the tattered older man beside her say 'And lead us not into Penn Station' during the Our Father"

The pleasure's too intense. No mortal can stand it

Varying degrees of denial and distress and general cluelessness. The meeting had the usual broad demographic cross-section, but the bulk of these grass-ravaged people looked to him urban and tough and busted up and dressed without any color-sense at all, people you could easily imagine smacking their kid in a supermarket or lurking with a homemade sap in the dark of a downtown alley. Motley disrespectability was like, the room norm, along with glazed eyes and excess spittle. A couple of the beginners still had the milky plastic I.D bracelets from psych wards they'd forgotten to cut off, or else hadn't yet gotten up the drive to do it

...she wouldn't have understood anything about me...

...it was startling to find myself locked in a windowless room with a man who barely reached my

...she could show me my truest self, me not paying the right kind of attention..."

"...much in the same way that "...as i walked back to my room alone" has that quality.

"...that bunch"

"...understanding not only evil but the extravagance of tricks with which evil presents itself as good.

"...Now I lay me down to sleep, God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grandma too, all the rest have 28 except for Summertime which has mostly 30, or something, yes, that's it. I try to fax a cat then realize how silly it is that I don't have the right address.

...something to do with a seesaw"

as if I were the victim of a practical joke.

Bird land" is the all time most irritating icky song, like ever, all that Manhattan transfer stuff, guys and girls, bald tenors and basses singing all-too-merrily in sickeningly perfect harmony like they'd all just opened an envelope containing free front row seating for the rest of their lives to every unnecessarily produced musical

"Don't be cruel," this, something The King said, though I imagine he was pleading with his drugs at the time kneeling over a beaudet

Entering the garage, and lo-and-behold there are twins rummaging around. I've startled them. They perk up (in unison of course) and stare at me. They are armed with garden tools and I'm unsure at this stage of the game if they're for disembowling, bludgeoning or just equipped to do some simple garden-digging; my broken mind splicing together multiple scenarios, none of which are self-esteem boosters

Hope you never hear those words. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears

Joys that seem far too rare and the suffering that lasts way too long -- he is often in danger of losing his perspective and the reality of his own convictions

She appeared to be inflated, busting out of her brown valour tracksuit like nothing I'd ever seen; the muffin-top-mid-section spilled out all over her, narily missing the ground, shuffling along, the multi-grain flaxseed cereal and diet pills --pointless placeboes, really - inhaled hours earlier unsuitable to combat, ultimately failing, to cancel out the dozen or so glazed and lardish donut deal she devoured at breakfast that mysteriously, though convenient to her, made their way to the lunchtime hour thus no need to take a rest or break from the constant consumption of food project that had gotten underway. No one was told of the competition, it was as natural as doing the dishes. Who would transport the thousand pound lady upstairs to her ultra king size double specially-built mattress and frame, complete with crane and wire contraption to haul her in and out of the deal

"It is easy to make a man miserable while he feels he is unworthy of himself" Lincoln

"It's a curse to be me, Life holds no surprises.

"My life petering out, for lack of use, it seems. (Plath)

"Violent maverick loner seeks..."

"Water under the bridge I burned a long time ago.

...as unsexy as old mump mouth Diana Krall, peel her a grape thinking thorn rose in of her crunching down the branches of rose bushes and makes her performance at least keep the nightmares and valium-filled sluggish Eastern European pig-faced piano peasant purple people eat her up, eater copies real crooners, not literally -- unfortunately.

...at the whim of whatever hex inside me decided it was time to play with my mind...

...believed himself to have read somewhere...

...deserves a place in the...fucking Hall of Fame

...girls with thick doughy wrestler arms and meaty necks, ripe for the strangling

...if any of you out there...

...in a temporary lapse of character

...it affords me a chance

...joys that seem too rare and suffering, the ones that last too long -- he is often in danger of losing his perspective and the reality of his own convictions

...other undesirables

...the sky about 10 minutes before a thunderstorm hits

...this poisonous Lollipop-land of disdain (dismay)

...with the special lonely sound of...

I enter the garage, and lo-and-behold there are twins rummaging around. I've startled them. They perk up (in unison of course) and stare at me. They are armed with garden tools and I'm unsure at this stage of the game if they're for disembowling, bludgeoning or just equipped to do some simple garden digging; my broken mind splicing together multiple scenarios, none of which are self-esteem boosters.

A

A Rigor Mortis Smile

A Sad Uninspiring Diagnosis

A behavior guaranteed to get you nowhere

A certain level of displayed ineptitude

A chorus line of...

A complex defensiveness that I couldn't even begin to chart out here

A crazy drifter

A crucial demerit

A dicey undertaking

A disfigurement, far surpassing...

A donation to the Lesbian Primate Relief Fund. That would be great.

A farce, a fiasco...

A ferociously good friend

A finned monster emerging periodically from the sea

A floating flashlight matchbox (survival kit) compass, flare gun

A fountain of conversation

A further squewed interpretation of just how men and women are supposed to get along.

A good chunk of change

A gymnast of the alphabet and language, dextrous

A hostility he harboured from...

A kind of intuitive harmony

A lapful of...

A large doughy muffinish man

A limitless capacity for vibrant interpersonal relations

A maddening tangle

A mammoth sombrero

A menacing tangle of...

A merry crew

A motorcycle-and-naked-lady magazine

A movie that was actually less watchable than...

A muddled composition of self

A perfectly horrendous scent of

A persona I myself had been tinkering with

A plate of something bad

A poor substitute

A remarkable talent for...

A sad puddle of...

A score of less pleasant creatures...(characters)

A seething cauldron of infectious sulk.

A sense of urgency regarding bran

A senseless...

A simple garden variety...

A simply bitching

A sinking suspicion

A sliding scale of depravity,

A slight kittenish boy

A sloppy coily haired thing

A small Jewish boy with an unfortunate bronchial situation

A specialist in Zurich

A stark paradigm of drunkeness, astonishingly telescoped

A subject for which I am direly underqualified

A taste for mischief

A teardrop of...

A terrific drifting uncertainty.

A towering, slope-shouldered, wide-hipped, pre-maturely potbellied, oddly priapistic, and congenitally high-strung Dilaudid addict with a walrusy mustache that seemed to have a nervous life of its own

A truly unparalleled

A wealth of...

Abandoned decorum

Abandoned ideas for game shows I thought were sure fire,

Absolute in its...

Academia / machademia (schooled in nuts have never faired particularly well)

Acute confusion

Adamant

Adorable

Adore

Advantageous

Adventitiously

Adversity (face of)

Aesthetic

Affluent

Aficionado

Aflutter (all...)

Afraid of still getting sent back to summer camp

Aggressively second-rate

Agonize

Agreeing with all that my body was initiating

Ah, to be fret over by high paid Rolls Royce-driving English professor-type medical troubadours paving the way in

Aimless Stupor

Airtight (alibis)

Alarming deformities Dreamy notions

Albeit (Not "I'll be at...")

Albeit / intuit / ennui

Alcoholically articulate fashion

Alienating

All dishevelled and distraught

All kinds of time

All nonchalant

Almost always (means)

Almost always gotten on impulse, tattoos are vividly, chillingly permanent

Along the Crustacean cul-de-sac of slack and oceanic concerns...

Aloof penetration that was equally if not more disconcerting

Alternating waves of what? (Envy, self-loathing) Carousing...astrally

Always promising "muffin Day" though never quite delivering

Always sounds weirdly lopsided

Am I a bad man for disapproving (showing disapproval) to loose women who have turned me down

Ambiguous (doubtful, uncertain, susceptible to two or more meanings)

Ambivalent (simultaneously contradictory attitudes)

Amuse the pallet

An Empire of Self

An absence of affection destroys the soul...everyone needs the soul

An absolutely incongruent modification nightmare

An alligator puppeteer (ends up being more of a crocodile wrangler...not the intended position)

An attractive umbrellaless woman

An avalanche of...

An awful lot of bachelorhood to be swum through

An emptiness and desperation of existence without hope

An unbearably isolating and disfiguring personality influx

An undeniably uneven forehead that jet out in different directions, like a halfway rehabilitated (that halfway resembled)

And no matter how far you've gone down, there's always that part inside of you that knows just how far you've come

And wondering if my discomfort is my own peculiarity. I have no way of knowing.

Anguish

Animal like howls of anguished pain

Annoying

Another crushing, teeth-grinding failure

Antoine de Saint-Exupery (Franks view)

Anyone who enjoys any measure of success in his field is open to sensational publicity

Anything at the end

Apocalyptic Smorgasbord

Appendage to pop in, wearing one pyjama, he assembled himself certainly not bringing harm to anyone, only hurting his chances of meeting with the fairer sex as they knew better to stay away

Architect of my own demise

Arduous

Aroused

Artilleryesque

As about as interested in this stuff as she was about the child-as-empiricist-God-delusion horseshit back in the car

As all things, my gift for....had its price.

As fast as you can

As great an accomplishment as I can hope for

As if he would use it later in a comedy routine

As there appear, places that people just don't come back from.

Askance / Askew (towards one corner of the eye, with suspicion, not straightforward)

Assign myself

Assisduously

At its emotional zenith

At the end of her rope and preparing to hang from it.

At the end of the day...

Auspicious (meaning promise, possibility)

Authentic

Avoiding micromanaged...

Avuncular affection notwithstanding

Awakened a sickness in all of us

B

Backwards barn dwelling wack-a-doo

Bad corner you've painted yourself into

Bad form to...

Bald solid thick-wristed men

Bandit

Bank-account-emptying binges

Bare feet looking like purple loves of bread

Be that guy I want to be

Beautifully cadenced

Becoming utterly...

Bedlam

Belletristic (writings or studies of a purely literary nature, especially essays and criticisms)

Bewildered herd

Biting satire, exposing all their foibles. It doesn't seem like enough revenge

Blackest sin (living in the blackest of times)

Blinding epiphanic realization

Blindingly

Blistering

Blitz

Bludgeon

Blur

Booze-blasted face

Borderline, inappropriate behaviour

Borrowing a friend's baby didn't work, nor did taking multiple canines for walks loaned overnight to me by the Humane Society ('test pets' whom failed to integrate to my home). Now I've got it. I hold with me a leash. The leash is tied to a small cage that I drag behind me, and it's real loud. It brings questions, stares. I tell a lovely young lady about how I have misplaced my dog somewhere in the park. She helps me search, well, you get the rest. It's foolproof.

Both free-associative and intricately structured, not unlike nightmares

Bottle of vodka and a sense of impending doom lit my way into the evening

Brand of inebriated...

Brash, all gung ho

Bravado

Bronze and rust colored millipedes

Bruised world

Bruising people's kindness out of shape

Buildings are dingy and decrepit on the outside, flopped beneath the skyline like grey, discarded dishrags

Burnt Mayonnaise and Sour Tang, the scent that emulated from the cowardly and large-eared street sweeper

But I can see that's not going to happen

But on closer inspection

But this is the true story of my wasted life, to come clean, these are only insults to avenge, and injuries to nurse

But you forgave yourself. We all must. Or you die inside from that kind of a sickness that seeps into everything, no matter how you tell yourself repeatedly that it isn't going on in there

By and large...

C

Cadence

Calculated charms

Calliopsis

Callisthenics

Callous

Callousness

Camphor: a whitish substance with an aromatic taste, and smell obtained from the camphor laurel-tree

Can't stop crying

Can't swing a reincarted cat without hitting someone

Candle-lit-scripture-study sessions

Capable of idle chitchat

Captivating

Caribou

Caricature of a man

Carpet tunnel syndrome

Cart-wheeling trauma moat, empty, blind and drowning

Case in point

Cataclysmic

Cataclysmically confusing affair

Catastrophically challenged

Catastrophically unsatisfied

Catatonic

Cats will in fact get violent diarrhea if you feed them milk, contrary to the popular image of cats and milk.

Cavalier

Cerebrally constrained

Ceremonial burial ground plagued with curses and poltergeists of all shapes and colors

Certain facts just don't add up

Certain hope-type emotions

Certainly to have been a dwarf, with huge square head, the relative length of the trunk compared to the legs, the sunken nasal bridge, and protruding eyes the stunted phocomelic arms

Chancy at best

Chaperone

Charge my imagination

Charlatan

Charlie Brown Syndrome

Charmingly eccentric

Chat

Chatterbox

Chemical carcinogenic scents of fabric-softener waft into

Chicken Snuff films (or other animal is funny)

Childish concentration

Chilling counter narrative

Chivalrous

Chronically embittered

Chunks from oversized Toblerone that had been stored in the freezer

Civilization and its unhealthy influences

Claire Danes, who astonishingly, and for no discernable reason, looks too much like River Phoenix

Clammy, the mangy warthog that could! A Pre-Schoolers How To Book

Clarity

Clearly surrendered to the aging process

Cliquey alliance and exclusion and gossip can be forms of escape.

Clumsy

Clutzy

Co-conspirator

Cocooned ourselves

Comically disruptive

Compelling

Complete lack of...

Completely hateable

Completely heckelable

Completely intriguing

Complex and unsettling

Complexity

Compulsive and unhealthy relationship with their own thinking

Compulsively imaginative

Comradery

Conceptual art / breathing between words, foreign to me

Condemned

Condition, a disorder that works like a Get Out of Jail Free Card

Confessions...going unheard

Convey a moral truth: a myth

Convincing manner

Cool Hand Luke (I am Luke-Warm Luke)

Cool side of the pillow

Cornucopia

Corrupted

Could this possibly be any worse?

Courteous, unfledgingly, unfailingly

Cracked and bleeding jaw

Cradle of charm

Cradles my broken heart and broken mind...

Cranky

Creating general interest

Creatures undressing

Creed

Creepy wiriness (exhibited)

Criminal enlightenment

Crippling lack of...

Crippling sense of passionate heat

Crisis (of faith...fates)

Crossing guard, invented an electric pointer, my style was deemed too progressive for the field.

Crossing guards are funny, but seemingly tragically doomed dark figures

Crucial

Cruel

Crusader

Culturally Marginalized Guilds

Cunning malice amidst a buzz of intrigue

Cunning/Crafty Baffled and Powerless

D

Dairy fed-fat asses

Damp fizz of tears

Dare say I

Dark, ominous tragic figure, lurking/looming amongst the debris in doorways

Daunting

Dazzling

Deafening

Decaying values

Decent back into the hell of chemical dependence

Decided to tell her of my incurable illness

Declining popularity

Deep blue satiny spaces

Deeply deranged

Defining the Textures of a cognitive dissonance so loud, that the Western World is partly deaf to it.

Defrocked lunacy

Delicate

Delusional

Demonic Blitzkrieg of venomous, primal laborious pain

Derailed emotionally

Designer eatery

Desire

Desperately bad shape

Destroying

Deteriorate

Devastated

Devilishly Witty (Deliciously)

Devoted solely

Diabolical

Did I miss a meeting?

Didn't make much sense to me

Didn't work out terribly well for her

Diminished

Dingbats

Directed my way is horror

Disconcerting moment

Discouraging

Disenchantment factor is way up there

Disgrace

Disingenuous

Disintegration

Displays of public self-scrutiny that are as excruciating as they are irresistible, and, there are huge and insectile-looking pieces of machinery that...

Distaste for...

Distinct

Disturbing enough to make me...

Dizzying stagger of an isolationist

Do they still make wooden Christmas trees? He had pantophobia...the fear of everything...(I'm pretty sure)

Doddering old...

Does this make any sense to you?

Dogmatic

Dogs that stare at you inquisitively like they want to tell you something, but they can't believe how idiotic you are that you can't understand their language

Dogs who roam the streets have been subtly turning into coyotes

Domestic strife

Don't ask me why

Don't bother

Don't get me wrong

Don't let's not end up like that...

Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it? I guess she did not

Doomed

Dose of maudlin prose

Dossier of connection and privilege

Down for the big dirt nap, as felony Phil used to say

Downcast

Drab hair and thin lips

Drawn to real grimy stuff

Drawn-out Getting-to-Know-and-Trust-You montage

Dreadful land of lifelong supressions

Dreadful mess

Dreadfully transparently unfunny

Dreadfully wrong

Drive someone right out of their mind with excitement

Drivel

Dumpty-shaped tightwad

E

Earthly orchestration

Easily led

Economically marginalized

Ectomorphic

Editorial justice

Editorial leverage

Edna Malais

Effortlessly

Elaborately unrewarding

Elegant Tea Time debacle pushed me right to the very edge of ship-jumping.

Ellipses

Embarrassing grandiosity, I would later long to downplay

Emblazoned

Emotional hostage taking

Emphysematic-like-wheezing

Empty threat

Enamored

Ending up exhausting the reader before he even gets to...

Endless (seemingly)

Endless symptomatic gauntlet of Withdrawal

Endomorphic

Endured

Enigma

Enigmatic

Ensconced

Enthusiam melting into politeness

Entirely appealing

Entirely empathetic

Entirely endearing

Entirely unique

Entourage

Enveloped and dwarfed by bigger things I didn't understand

Enwreaths me

Epic battle

Epidemic (this) a result of too much of that anyway

Equally distressing were the...

Escargot mustache

Espionage

Essence

Even that required great effort

Events now running past and over me, and having less and less to say about how unclean the proceedings were getting

Ever-lurking ill will

Everyone's too stupid

Everything is breakable.

Evidently supposed to conclude

Evoked electric spontaneity

Evolve

Excessive

Excruciatingly

Excuse me a second...

F

Failing horribly

Fallen into ruin

Familiar guilt of journalistic cannibalism, ashamed of my jaundiced scrutiny

Fantastic

Far from the fluid powerful dance of our younger days

Fashion Outlaw

Fate clouds

Feasible: capable of being done, suitable

Feast (Faustian)

Feasting in that intangible, indefinable delicious morsel

Feeble-minded

Fell in with a group of...

Females are capable of being just as vulgar about sexual and eliminatory functions as males.

Femme fatales

Fervent (glowing, ardent, zealous)

Fireman, fighting fire with fire, only made things worse, my conceptual and innovative ideas banished from the fire hall

Fit like a charm

Fleeting

Flents industrial-strength expandable foam earplugs do not solve the problem of a snoring roommate if the roommate in question is so huge and adenoidal that the snores in question also produce subsonic vibrations that arpeggio up and down your body and make your bunk jiggle like a motel bed you've put a quarter in

Flirt with commerce, often she backed away and deserted me, most often when I told her I needed her most

Flotation device

Flounder

For every one thing that's all right and that has some good in it, there are about 10 things that are unfair, unjust and draining.

For one reason or another...

Forever compromised

Forget E.T, the Extra Terrestrial, I am 'The Main-Lining Terrestrial' under the stairs where the Wicker People live...

Fragmented self

Frankly

Frantic justifications

Free form discussion

Free-Associative Methamphetaminic

Fresh griefs

Freshly-shampooed

Fret not

Freud says work gives the illusion of meaning

Friends who had expressed no previous interest in torture began sending me . . .

Friends would hire me, I would often get a sale, though this breakthrough more than quickly cancelled out any profit my poor overly trusting friends might have brought in. I decided her prices were just too high. Also, unhelpful was my blaring of "Sign of the Gypsy Queen", not well-received by possible purchasing patrons who'd pop in, eager to peruse my friend's fashion wares, most left almost immediately with a face resembling shattered glass, and not in a good way

Frightfully alone, unable to find the one that gets it?

Frigid

Friskies

Frisky

Frolicking

Frothy hubris of...

Fugue state (a)

Full-on, head-on

Fumbling

Fundamentally solitary

Funnily enough

Fussy

Futzing around

G

Gamine charm (a girl with mischievous or boyish charm...a girl street urchin)

Garland of Sonnets

Gaze

Geologic amounts of sober time in AA

Gesture

Giant

Gifted

Gimmicky

Given the tensions of the world, I was in a safe place.

Gloria Swanson Syndrome (You'd know what it was if you had it)

Glorious

Gnome-ware

Go missing entirely

God might regard the issue of whether you believe there's a God or not as fairly low on his/her/its list of things s/he/it's interested in re you.

Gorgeous

Gouge

Govern our day-to-day lives

Graciously

Grandiose parables

Great balloon of coloured silence he sat in

Greatness and largeness of life can bring me to cry almost instantly, it's scarily rare

Greed (Crazed with...)

Grew weary

Grizzly aftermath...I know is on the horizon even before I wake...

Grotesqueness

Grotesquerie

Grumpy

H

Had a weakness for...

Haiku of Hell: The prickly prickly snowmen of September melting in my make believe attic. Pelts pelts pelts

Hair that looks carved out of feldspar

Half out of your wits

Half-baked hope

Half-delirious from rejection and frantic desperation from less than citrusy lemonade

Handshake Concerns "What's Really Going On There With That Handshake Mister?"

Handsome

Hapless hikers

Harboured an unconscious distrust of love

Harbouring thoughts of...

Harebrained schemes

Hastily thrown together sock puppet

Have only the vaguest idea of which...

Having a lot of money does not immunize people from suffering or fear

He also sometimes seemed to suffer from the verbal delusion that he was an urban black male; I have no idea what the story is on this or what conclusions to draw from it.

He got weird. Nobody knows why.

He needed cheering up. All grown-ups were once children.

He needs unwinding in the very worst way

He settles for imagining the girl pin wheeling through the air towards a glass wall

He writes big blockbuster sentences, admired as much forlinguistic pyrotechnics and syntactical fanciness

He's acting up again

Head on home

Head-clutchingly prolix and involved

Heady Scent

Heartless bourgeois to say so

Heavy burlap sacks

Hemorrhoid-hostile folding chairs

Hence, a poor judge

Her breasts (forehead, lips thin enough) to appear freakish

Her sizable horse like mouth working arduously on a piece of gum

Her soul's already knotted over

Heroically

Hideous glamour pusses.

Hideously mangled dolls

High-watt smile

His enthusiasm bordering on mania

His favorite witticism

His mother and the KKK stalked him one night and sent him running aflame into the forest because of his recently acquired, clearly offensive, frightening style to all unions haircut, supplied by the local Haircuts for Men. (Provided by students of a local college). This is where his troubles began.

His style so nails the tenor of the American sensibility

His tenure as my friend

Hit me with sinus clearing clarity

Hodge Podge of wisdom and nonsense,

Hopeless dunce

Hopes that never materialized

Hornswoggled

Horrendous

Horrifically

Horror show

Human Snafu (another)

Hyper realism

Hysterically Passionate

I

I am defined by my relationship to the world

I am not a criminal but I can find criminality, settle there and lay pretty much undisturbed

I am powerless to describe...

I am so far from my dream (!)

I am suggestible

I apologized promptly without, of course, realizing just what I was sorry for

I can be a handful, to put it mildly

I cannot help but picture

I could not help but experience a strange fusion of the dispassionate journalist, the lover, the father...

I could perambulate unpestered, unthronged

I dared to ask the question...

I didn't want to play anymore is all

I do not know why he's called...

I do not like...but it is there where my story starts...

I don't take well being told what to do. Fundamentally oppositional in nature

I don't think it's an accident that...

I drove through the night, with my shock and grief in the backseat, and my guilt in the front

I entertained thoughts

I envisioned...

I feel ashamed now that I tried to take my own life. It is such a precious thing. I had no one to talk me out of my despair, not really.and that was a mistake. You need to keep people close. You need to give them access to your heart

I feel my lips clamp together with the strangeness of life

I feel the noose of this town tighten around my throat. I was wondering if there was any sort of special program prayer for one who wanted to hang themselves

I get myself mixed up with other people all the time, for instance.

I had never felt entitled

I hate Malaria

I hate mankind, I despise woman-kind, which doesn't leave me much to go on.

I have a few rules; no girls with Marsupial pouches or meaty necks, or if their best trait is, 'not too thick a back' then I should pass

I have absolutely no fucking idea what's going on...shouldn't get my trembling over-caffeinated hands anywhere near...

I have made discoveries

I have mixed feelings of the day.

I have no business resting on my laurels...mine are stacked away someplace

I imagined as both frenetic and weary, with a kind of doomed timeless Faulknerian feel to it

I knew of several; there had to be more

I knew perfectly well

I long to write a piece of literature I stand behind and don't need to give excuses for

I myself, as you can see from this whole insane tirade of prose called a book, had been thru so much junk anyway you can hardly blame me for joining in with the despairists of my time

I need to believe something extraordinary is possible

I never did get straight...

I nodded my head having no idea what he was talking about

I once would have liked to think of myself as a visionary. Now the best I can hope for seems to be dillusionary.

I posit, and argue, then make the suggestion that...

I prefer to be turned on by a woman who invariably looks fucked up

I seem now to be at...

I should really get down to checking on my mom who by now I'm guessing has been sitting in the back seat of the car for what must be going on two days. She must need either changing or at very least a good meal. My project with the rings in the bathtub, and how they relate with Saturn's rings, now takes precedence and has truly taken on a life of its own

I stammered...

I stopped believing in God the day my dad died

I subvocalized

I suffer from an inability to organize myself

I suppose it was rather telling that...

I take issue with...

I thought about, talked about and needed love very much but whenever I got it, it touched me less and less

I thought of how I really didn't understand myself very well at all, and to think otherwise would have been embarrassing

I took her back to the street and I drove around the next couple hours trying to talk myself out of driving full speed into a tree.

I was so lost in thought, as I rounded the corner I barreled right into a...

I wasn't going down without a fight, and I was going down

I would come to grow immeasurably fond of her, even sometimes wishing we could talk about something other than me

I'd be lying if I knew the way past the muddled maze that I've made out of me, let alone who is in the toll booth...

I'd like to offer an abstract concept, something called breathing in-between sentences

I'd like to think I was toughened by the experience, but in retrospect I think it did nothing more than give me a taste for more mischief...

I'd run to the ends of the earth to get my drugs

I'm fairly confidant that...

I'm getting desensitized to myself: maybe that's what happens over the years

I'm in kind of escrow at the moment

I'm smart because I know that Evelyn Waugh is not a woman. Yes, I'm a literary great, in that round Algonquin circle little table area. (Really a cub scout in a circle formation)

I'm talking about guys who've developed (and clearly practiced) really hard handshakes, like really hard, the ones that look you straight in the eye (if you can't avoid it) and while shaking your hand hard enough to arouse the pain from that weirdo fracture in your right hand somewhere near the third knuckle, that you never could figure out how the hell you even got, which hasn't really come up since grade 9 class, but now, which pain is drilling your every core. Their little tryst, to me, says, "This here handshake says I'm not gay. My outstretched hand says I am a gigantic hulking man that has not only been camping in overnight situations with other men, but have killed pretty and cuddly four legged forest creatures who weren't bugging me in the first place. Now, don't even think I'm homophobic. I'm not. Not really. Whatever that word means. I like everyone. Mostly. So remember me with this hard as hell handshake.

I've been experimenting with a little thing called irony

I've made notes, at the properly aligned star module times. anyway, since mom has been 'away', now i've the time to focus on such tasks as keeping fervant notes on just how i, if leaving the tub unatteded, scrubbing-after-wise, I can recreate with blistering creative will and staggering astronomical ability the exact same lines that orbit around Saturn so wondrously. Who could deny me such an endeavour?

I've overdosed at my father's grave, and all my notes and stories are beside me with a note to him...

If it came down to it...

If you let this memory go for but one instant it wanders off and joins its friends, and before you know it you're chasing their phantom trails in so many directions that you weave a family tapestry, a heritage quilt of memory! Who needs that?

Ignoramus

Illicit

Illusions

Illustrious

Imagine that

Imbecile

Immaculately

Immeasurably

Immediacy

Impenetrable

Impenetrable

Imperiously lame

Implants of sorts

Impoverished

Impunity

Impure thoughts

In a jiffy

In a way I don't much like

In a world of unlimited possibilities...

In a temporary lapse of character

In an epileptic frenzy...

In his father's glass eye

In one of my many famous moments spent wondering if I was going to be alone for the rest of my life

In some strange country between dream and waking

In the vague way...

In the world of pretence, a pretender is the best thing that you can be

Inadequacy

Inattentive

Incompetent

Incomprehensible

Incredibly good

Incredibly misguided

Indifference at times

Inert (without power of action or movement/motion)

Inexhaustible source

Infinite strength

Insidious (treacherous/crafty)

Insipid (lacking flavour, vigour, interest)

Inspiration

Inspires dread

Instincts

Insurmountable

Integrity/Integral

Intensely puzzling

Internal out-of-control slope of ferocity

Interspersed

Intolerable conflict and anxiety

Intolerable terrifying recreation of intolerable pain

Intricacies

Intrinsically

Intuition

Irony-free zone

Irreverence (disrespectful)

Irritatingly well-adjusted, irksome individuals waiting to do you a good turn, pointless overly helpful do-gooders who can't wait to...

It is easy to make a man miserable while he feels he is unworthy of himself

It's a curse to be me, Life holds no suprises

It became clear to me

It emptied me of hope

It had long since being a release of relief or fun

It takers great personal courage to let yourself appear weak

It was all just killing time till the sun went out

It was the jumbo shrimp and stuffed mushrooms that circulated with trays of sobbing failed-actor-waiters loudly sharing their uninformed opinions with anyone, food animal or human, within earshot

It's hard not to imagine...

It's most likely (more than likely best) I'm filled with regret. I hate regret. Wish things could have turned out differently. I'm more out of my head then I realize on that stuff.

It's never too late for a man to turn his life around

It's on its side spasming

It's well executed, but the variety of fabulism in which the fantastic is juxtaposed with the pedestrian has become common of late.

Jeopardize

Joie De Vivre

Joyless

Juggernaut (of fragrance)

Jumpsuit

Jungle of clouds

Just ridiculously good-looking

karma sutra yoga skills worthy of the freakiest third world circus parading enslaved child contortionists sucking their own toes for comfort...

Kaopectate-coloured

Kiddies cornering themselves

L

Lacuna (missing portion, blank or gap)

Ladies with plastic shoes are undeniably sad

Lame brains

Landscape of the grotesque

Languid (lacking force, faint weak, little motion)

Largess...A generous gift, a donation...

Last-gasp, back-from-the-dead effort

Laughably false

Leaps to intercept me

Least desirable

Lengthy and involved

Less speculation the better

Let them roast marshmallows over my corpse! I plug in a fake fireplace that would not roar, though the idea of warmth would be there

Let us draw the curtain of charity over the rest of that particular bit of

Libation

Lights flickered through us, red, amber and green as we lay in awe on her backyard grass in total blackness, we went by our own signs

Like most everything in my life, it was not what I had hoped for

Like that first taste of astonished kissing, playful dancing lips, moist and saying yes

Limitless

Linty pyjamas

Littered with...

Little by little

Lodged in their heads

Loitering, wandering in paper smock, shoes as durable as shoe shaped coffee filters

Long in the tooth

Long slithering ribbon of drool cascading from her pouty lips, slithering down her taut neck

Long stretches of gloom and melancholy, followed by extravagant bursts of...

Looked as if I was having a real whirl

Looks uncannily like the actor...

Loquacious (talkative, bordering on babbling...talkativeness)

Lost the ability to lie to myself about being able to quit, or even about enjoying it, still. Having the strength that is, if in fact, that's what it is a matter of.

Lounge-hags

Lousy with it

Loyalty

Luck is just that: Dumb

Ludicrous

Lunatic

Lurid series of spots for a national string of walk-in liposuction clinics

Lush

Lusty fancy

Luxuriously Delectable Palette

Lying there, languid by the pool.

M

Mad and bespectled egghead sociologists

Maddening tangle

Made up in candor what it lacked in...

Make a spectacle of myself

Maladroit

Malarkey

Malice

Malicious innuendo

Mamet-ian (From Der Processe)

Mammoth-sized

Managed Fun

Maniacal discipline

Manifesto

Many places in my life instantly (it seemed) had manifested into equally dark places of despair and lamentation, going back and forth

Marble-headed fraud

Marked by struggle and sadness (her face)

Marmoset

Marvelled

Masquerade

Massive inflated afflictions

Massive waste

Materializes

Mausolea (plural of mausoleum)

Maybe you're onto something

Me, left particularily, friendless, as well as underwearless.

Me, the ungodly horse carriage for hire...

Meanwhile back at the castle . . .

Meet me in Montauk at midnight.

Melliferous (flowing sweetly or smoothly)

Melting-pot mélange on the order of like a Benetton commercial

Mementos

Menstrual gazebo

Mental anguish of a Minstrel Show

Mentally bent out of shape

Merrily chirping

Merriment

Methamphetaminic speed

Milieu

Milling about slugishly in the lobby

Millipede sandwich

Mind-boggling efficiency

Mindblowing flair

Mindless entertainment

Miners are not allowed in certain bars...who should tell such lardish laborours where and when they can eat drink an smoke

Minor triumph

Minstrels of madness

Mirage of horrific beauty was meticulously

Miscalculated

Miserable

Misled

Modus Operandi

Mom knowing when I was screwing up, as too many William Burroughs books started showing up laying in different rooms in the house and doors that were often ajar or left open entirely, casually, suddenly were shut. She knew.

Momentarily

Monumentally intolerable, which sounded to me, no less than grand and large

Monumentally unfulfilled

Moral Ruin

Morass (something that traps confuses or impedes)

Morbidity

More and more, these things seemed to mean less and less

More spooky than I could have imagined.

Moreover

Morose

Mortified

Mortifying

Mosaics

Most Substance-Addicted people are also addicted to thinking, meaning they have a compulsive and unhealthy relationship with their own thinking

Most of us live the greater part of our life submerged...

Most often, allowing my mind to explore such themes as "what to do" "what might someone like me do now? Etc. etc.

Movements swift and certain

Much in the same way that "...as i walked back to my room alone..." has that quality

Much the way a mental patient doesn't think anything is wrong with them, at the same time, while they are telling you this, simultaneously dumping/pouring a bowl of grouse stew over their head

Murderous

My alarming curvature of the distorted perplexive sense of self

My dreams, unsatisfied fancies, hopes, memories and imaginations have accumulated nothing but inexhaustible complicated unmet needs.

My drug use was the convenient culprit, the real problem was not that but my attention dial left spun (spinning) on the setting of 'deficit disorder'...cycle and general contempt (by this time) for the world and its unbalanced equinox.

My emotional repertoire

My forehead bulging with concentration

My gait - a manner of walking, forward motion manner

My hectic hustle in the already too scorching a day oriented toward a brief moment of transcendence

My inability to be self-sufficient

My leg falls asleep; at least part of my body is getting rest

My mind's eye...

My mood would seesaw from joy to rage

My one misgiving

My plan took shape...

My saga was stale

My teeth and mind weathered, yellowed by the years

My trousseau of unrequited dreams.

N

Nativity scenes...un-natural nonsense...that irksome business

Naturally, I disliked this

Nauseating

Nearly-insanity-producing

Needle-jockey

Needless to say

Neglected

Neil Diamond once heartily sang, "Home's the most excellent place of all", alas, this was barked desperately from the fifth floor of a Betty Ford Detox...not that that should cancel out entirely the heartfelt sentiment, I'm just saying

Neoteric (modern)

Nerve-racking

Nest of Irony, my pretty bird friends wouldn't let me hang out in...stupid crows

Never been a fan of...

Never pleasant for me

Never use "the familiar" with the policemen

Nightmare either way

No doubt

No great fan

No longer does he drive off into the night with other people's merchandise

No mood to be fucked with

No more living on 'Planet I don't know'. I want to eject myself from that deathly dumb planet, the air, too toxic for the worst of my mind

Nobody with a nervous system would want to miss...

Nomadic

Not everyone gets corrupted, you have to have a little faith in people

Not exactly the brightest bulb in the ship's intellectual chandelier

Not his first stop on the 'drop the soap express to bottom exploitation'

Not his first stop on the 'drop the soap express to bottom exploration'

Not so in the...

Not that you'd want to imagine any of this

Note: If I ever have any daughters, name them all Connie.

Notoriety

Notoriously fond of

Novelty beverage

Nowhere to go

Nuances

Nuisance

Numbingly

Numbnutses

O

OK, let's not spend a lot of time drawing this whole incident out.

Obese

Oblique

Obscene

Obscenely Vital

Occult adults

Occupying emotional terrain

Odyssey

Oeuvre

Old-timers disease

On an epic scale

Only the whitest, most highly processed, severely modified versions of cleansed and sanitized "ingredients".

Orgiastic banquet of immortality and joy

Ostensibly

Ought to have told me

Our troubles began the following morning...

Out of her tree

Out of my head

Outrageous

Outskirts of time (town), wrong side of the tracks

Outstanding in that capacity

Over ripening in anticipation

Over sensitivity

Over the top merriment from counter help makes me want to be a terrorist.

Overweening...arrogant, presumptuous, exaggerated

P

Painfully absurd in the tuxedo-motif T-shirt I wore on the first formal night

Palace

Pampering

Pancake Batter from a bucket

Pancake breakfast...some sort of extreme marshmallowish-caramel delight englazened with lime green food colouring, looking as if it was just glued together with cookie dough by some margarine-glazed gals back in the kitchen troughs. A skeletal Walter Mathieu comes over and hands me his teeth and says he's proud of "How accessible they are"

Panhandling tweakers

Papoose

Parable

Paradigm

Paralyzing fear

Parameters

Parasitically alone

Parody

Part of the problem was that according to several reliable sources...

Particularly hairy

Particularly seductive

Particularly unpleasant

Parties who thought I was the main attraction at some people petting zoo.

Pastiche

Patchy

Pathological (indifference at times)

Patriotic chizzler

Peculiar sense of self-preservation

Peed upon

Pelvically anfractuous

People didn't like what they were doing and didn't seem to have any idea about what they should do next

People dying around me, seemingly gladly, so that I make what still contribution I still had in my half right mind still brewing beneath some of the surface stuff

People named Van or Lou

People who have 3 or more uncoverable black teardrops descending from the corner of one eye, from, say a night of mescaline and adrenalized grief, will forevermore, from a couple meters away, appear as though they have flies on them.

People who listen to too much Bruce Hornsby are more often than not, a fairly damaged lot.

Perfect sense

Perfectly acceptable

Performers and portrayers

Perhaps you're curious as to...

Perilous times

Perimeter

Permeate

Perpetually

Perplexed

Persecuted minority

Persnickety marble-mouthed-moops, coots that drained every drop of quenched vitality I managed to muster

Petting a budgie, I'm a budgie, you're a budgie, I'm a...

Petty consolations for the poor of heart and mind

Phenomenally-talented

Phonetic perspective

Phonologically misshapen

Pique your curiosity

Placated (readily appeased or pacified, willing to forgive)

Plausible

Playing endless variations...

Pleasure seeker

Plenty of time

Plight; A state or condition of the distressing kind; predicament

Plum-jacketed sommeliers

Plump

Plush

Polymorphously insensitive

Poorly chosen

Pornography...organs going in and out of other organs, emotionless, terribly lonely...an impoverished, lonely idea of sexuality

Porridge

Positively animated

Positively monsterly

Possessed of a bawdy sense of

Possessing a delicate ambiguity

Possible to miss the point anymore (Is it?)

Post-Buddhist Nietzschean in dreadlocks, and myself the robust and towering the amphetamine-polemicist, pounding out these erratic rhythms of will and production

Potentially disastrous

Potion

Pouring peppermint tea

Poverty of thinking...

Praying mantis

Precious

Precipitous

Predictable polemics-controversial discussion

Predisposed

Prepossessing

Preposterous

Prestigious

Presumably

Preventative dentistry: people you hire to protect you against these smock-wearing glamour pusses. Not my full point, though, my point is where to find them, to hire them

Prickly structureless

Prim Rubbernecks

Proceeding to sit down, take a deep breath and resume combing his tongue

Prodigious

Proffering

Profoundly terrifying

Profoundly unbiblical sex

Prolix, (bullocks I say to such...)

Prolixity (long winded, tedious)

Promise of comedy

Prone to staggering brilliance

Prop Master of hope

Proportionately

Proved challenging

Pseudo-bohemian

Psycho central

Psychological vandalism

Pulverizing hangover

Punished

Puttering through the vestibule with her walker

Q

Quantum Physics

Quaranteened puppies

Quick to pinpoint

Quite simply you are...

R

Racy nurse-wear catalogue

Radically different

Radically different ideas of basic personal hygiene

Raggedy

Raging failure

Ran out of cerebral steam

Random lottery of meaningless tragedies and narrow escapes

Rank inability

Rapacious

Rather like that...

Raving psychotic.

Realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know

Re-emergence

Really what I've gained is a forum to speak some freedom of expression and maybe you've come to learn something about yourself today

Recalling with a modicum of bittersweet nostalgia how...

Recovery-speak

Reeling

Refinement

Refreshing as some fucking intramural flag football with really tall people (people that are more than a tad bit taller than you) 10 of them

Refreshingly candid, yet admittedly less traditional

Regime

Regrets that make painful memories

Relentless

Reluctant to...

Remarkably dreary

Remarkably unethical

Removing the textural fourth wall

Remy Martin is a subtle yet well defined champagne cognac produced in France; it is not a card game played by crusty seniors in Montreal

Rendered inconsolable

Renegade

Renegade savage fowl that tormented me with ballistic squealing...

Repartee

Repugnant and spiraling hooded figure looming, seriously deformed

Repulsive

Restless wanderer

Restored (she had restored me to caring)

Retreat from deviance and anything you know to be underhanded activity.

Retreat to the cottage, from time to time wandering, syringe in hand, the happy squalls of old talk radio tapes bla